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Monday, April 13, 2015
Monday, June 4, 2012
Don't Mess With Sakura
Me: good job Sasuke, anyways not with the story, and I fixed it so you people will stop complaining about the name I originally gave him geez
"Sakura what's going on?" Sasuke asked, Sakura rubbed her head.
"Kenji that's what happened" she said and sighed getting up.
"What this time?" He asked getting up.
"Oh nothing but put dye in my shampoo" Sakura said, Sasuke was trying not laugh at Sakura's newly dyed blue hair. Sakura glared at Sasuke, Sasuke looked the other away liked he didn't do a thing. Sasuke headed for the stairs, when he heard Sakura's laughing he stopped. "I think our son could out do Naruto " Sakura said taking a stick note off Sasuke's back. Sasuke took it and read it, 'please kick me hard' Sasuke tore it up and threw it away. Sasuke continued walking up to their room.
"Sasuke where are you going?"
"To scare the living shit out of a 4 year old" he replied, Sakura's hand hit her fore head it was going to be a long day. Sakura shook her head and slipped on her shoes and walked outside. The sun shine was bright, but she went on and walked towards Hinata X Naruto's house. They too had a son, Kiyoshi Uzumaki and he was probably just as good as Kenji when it came to pranks. Though Naruto being Kiyoshi's Dad didn't help much.
Sakura knocked at the Uzumaki place, Hinata answered of course.
"Oh Sakura, did you come for Kenji?" she asked
"Yes, did the hair give it away?" Hinata started to giggle
"Yes, Naruto!" she called Naruto came a few minutes later.
"Hey Sakura, what happened to you're hair"
"Kenji "she said Naruto laughed
"He's up to it again "
"You don't help matters" she said
"Uncle Naruto who's that?" Kenji said coming into view, Sakura reached out grabbed him by the shirt.
"Got ya" Sakura said, Kenji gave a pleading look to His Uncle and Aunt, Naruto looked away. Hinata walked back into the kitchen. "Thank you Hinata, Naruto "Sakura said
"Gomen Kenji I wish I could help you but Hinata-Chan would kill me "Naruto said, Kenji frowned
"Later Sakura" Hinata called from the kitchen.
"Right" Sakura replied and walked back towards the Uchiha district "By the way your father found your note "Kenji gulped which isn't good.
Later that night, Kenji found that Sasuke left a spider in his bed. How it was crawling on him. Of course Kenji went running to Sakura and she smacked Sasuke for doing it. Though Sasuke found if funny, how I have no clue. Thought little did Sasuke know his son was plotting play back in his head which Sasuke would find out the next got up looked in the mirror and cursed. "You Little Shit Kenji!" Sakura woke up wondering what happened. Though all she had to do was look at Sasuke's hair, most of it was gone except for maybe about an inch. Kenji had a head start on his Dad, though he went somewhere else this time for a hide away. Sasuke threw a shirt and shoes on and chased after Kenji, Kenji ran to guess where the Hokage's office. This also happened to be Naruto's office due to the fact that he is Hokage, Kenji hide behind Naruto.
"Kenji what di-"Naruto's question was answered before it could be asked by Sasuke walking in, Naruto start laughing again.
"Nice look Sasuke "
"Dobe shut up "Sasuke replied then an Idea hit him "hey Kenji want to go see sensei's Gai and Rock lee?" Kenji shook his head rapidly no, remembering the last time he spent with them. He never forgot 'Power of Youth 'again. "Fine then you'll go Kakashi sensei" Sasuke said
"But he teased me with his book last time "
"So Kids aren't supposed to read it anyways" Naruto replied
"And how would you know?" Sasuke asked
"Umm I tried back in the academy but I was caught by The Pervy Sage"
"Let me guess though you have one in you're hands and were trying to read it just now "
"Yeah "
"And I thought Kenji was bad, come on" Sasuke said grabbing Kenji.
AT Kakashi sensei's Kakashi answered the door, to find Sasuke holding Kenji in the air.
"Am not taking the demon child "
"Am not suggesting that "he said pointing to his hair
"Oh he got you good didn't he Sasuke?" Sasuke glared at his former sensei
" Am just saying if you know a way of making sure he doesn't do it again " Kakashi thought for a moment , even though he had his mask on Sasuke could tell he was smirking him . "Kakashi he mitt enjoy that "Kakashi frowned
"We could just lock him a white room with those people with the straightj-…" Kakashi stopped because he was getting a death glare from Sasuke. "Target practice" Sasuke's glare Intensified
"Any other bright Idea's "
"No but he is a demon child "Kakashi said "What about Jiryia sensei"
"You're not Kakashi sensei "A cloud of smoke appeared and Naruto was in his place "Nar-U-To"
"Oh uh"
"Where is Kakashi sensei"
"Yo" he said from behind Naruto "I probably don't want to know"
"No do you have any ideas how to get him to be normal"
"Nope nice hair "Sasuke got an idea again and whispered something to Kakashi, he went and returned later with a bottle.
By the time Sasuke returned with Kenji Sakura was up, Sasuke let Kenji go.
"Sakura make sure Kenji washes with this tonight "he said handing her the bottle.
Later,
Sasuke was trying to sneak out while Sakura was giving Kenji a bath. "SASUKE UCHIHA GET UP HERE NOW!" Sasuke sighed knowing he was dead.
Sasuke walked into the bathroom and started laughing when he saw Kenji. He was pink, his skin and hair. Kenji pouted, not finding it funny.
"Think it's funny now Kenji?" Sasuke asked
"You're both in trouble "Sakura said and Sasuke left.
A few minutes later Sakura was dragging Both Sasuke and Kenji to a room, not just any room the room Naruto suggested earlier. Yes a nice, white room with no windows and one door.
"Stay in here until you can behave, or in you're case Sasuke act you're age "With that Sakura closed the door.
That day both of them learned something, Don't Mess With Sakura.
A/N: R&R please and I fixed if you find something else wrong Message me
Dealing With Their Son
"Mommy, I'm thirsty!" Kenny whined.
Sakura sighed. "Kenny, there's a machine over there." Sakura said, pointing at the drink machine. Kenny looked confused; he had never used a machine before.
Sakura sighed again. She got up and started walking with Kenny. "Sasuke-kun, are you coming?" Sakura asked, looking back at her husband.
"Hn," Sasuke grunted.
Sakura and Kenny walked over to the drink machine. Sakura showed her son how to use it while he kept saying, "Ah." Or "I see." Trying to sound smart.
So Kenny got a plastic cup and got some water by pressing the button. He did that ten times until finally, the water container ran out.
A big man walked over to the drink machine with a big mug. He pressed the tea button. Kenny looked confused. He had thought that the man pressed the water button. He also wondered where he got the big mug.
"Ecuse me sir, but where did you get that mug?" Kenny asked.
"In the staff room," the man replied.
"Ah, and where is that located?" Kenny asked trying to sound convincing. He thought the machine only worked with big mugs now.
"You don't work here." The man said in a rude tone.
"Yes I do!" Kenny lied.
"If you're a staff, then you would know where the staff room was." The man said, glaring at poor little Kenny.
"..."
"..."
"So where is the staff room located?" Kenny asked again.
'Wow this kid is stupid!' The man thought.
Sakura was watching her son talk to the stranger. "Hey Sasuke-kun, do you think that ma-
"No Sakura, he wouldn't hurt Kenny, because if he did, he would have to deal with you." Sasuke said, cutting her off.
Sakura glared. "He would have to deal with you too."
"Hn,"
"Bastard." Sakura muttered.
The man started walking away, ignoring Kenny's question. "Fine, don't answer me mister deep voice!" Kenny shouted.
"No..." Sakura said slapping her hand on her forehand.
"...Hn,"
"Seriously Sasuke,"
"Hn."
"What did you say?"
"I said, fine, mister deep voice!" Kenny shouted again.
"Hey, at least my voice doesn't sound like a little girl. Who's you're dad? A fag?" The said in a mocking tone, then laughed.
"Ok now it's on!" Sasuke hissed.
"You are one selfish bastard."
"Hn," Sasuke grunted.
"Well don't just sit there, go beat that guy up!" Sakura yelled.
Sasuke and Sakura walked over to their son. Sasuke was glaring at the man, with his famous death glare. And Sakura was cracking her knuckles while smirking evilly
"I'm not a fag!" Sasuke hissed.
"Wait, you're his dad? But you're Sasuke Uchiha, one of the toughest guys around." The man stammered. Then he started laughing. "Who did you marry, a dumb slut?" The man laughed.
Sakura pushed Sasuke aside. "What did you call me?" Sakura growled.
"It ok mommy and daddy. I can handle this." Kenny said, pushing his parents aside.
"No it's not ok. Nobody calls my wife a dumb slut. That would ruin the Uchiha name!" Sasuke hissed.
"The Uchiha name, is that the only reason you're mad?" Sakura asked in an angry tone.
And so, Sasuke and Sakura walked back arguing with each other.
"Now, where were we?" Kenny asked. "Oh yea! Well at least I'm not fat!"
"Look who's talking?" The man said chuckling.
"Ecuse me? I am not fat. I am just averagely round." Kenny said, nodding.
"Ecuse- I mean, excuse me? Why are you here anyways?" The man said glaring.
"Oh, I'm here to get a drink!" Kenny exclaimed.
The man got a cup and filled it with hot tea."Here."
"Fine your highness, with a fat highny." Kenny glared.
The man blinked. "And why were looking?" He asked.
"..."
"..."
"Just give me my damn water?" Kenny hissed, and then he gasped. "I said a bad word."
The man gave Kenny his 'water' then left muttering bad words.
"Sasuke... do you think Kenny's unusual?" Sakura asked in an anxious tone.
Sasuke snorted. "He's an Uchiha." Sasuke said proudly.
"But sometimes... never mind." Sakura muttered.
Kenny stood there for a while.
He stood there for another minute.
Until he finally realized that it was hot tea. "Ow, ow, this water is hoooooooot!" Kenny yelled stretching out hot like he meant it was hot.
Sakura gasped. She dragged Sasuke with her ready to confront her son. "Kenny, you think the water is hot?" Sakura asked in an anxious tone. (she didn't know it was tea)
"No mommy, I think it's very hoooot!"
"Does water turn you on?" Sakura asked looking like she was about to have a heart attack.
Sasuke was standing behind her with an emotionless face but inside... 'No, imposible, my son is turned on by water?'
"Well, it does help me go with the flow." Kenny said while making wave motions with his hand.
Sakura almost fainted.
"Hey, why is my water green?" Kenny asked, confused.
"Green?" Sakura asked. She took the cup from him."Kenny this is tea and it's pretty hot." Sakura said.
"What?" Sasuke hissed
"No, I mean, it's hot tea, not hot." Sakura explained.
Oh, so where's my water?" Kenny asked, confused.
"And you still don't think he's unusual?" Sakura whispered to Sasuke.
"Hn. Maybe we got Naruto's kid." Sasuke whispered back.
"But he looks exactly like you."
"Hn,"
Their car was fixed and everything was ok.
"Mommy, are we in the car?" Kenny asked.
Sakura turned to look at her odd son. "Yes dear, we're in the car." Sakura answered while Sasuke drove.
There was silence.
"Mommy, are we in the car?" Kenny asked again?"
"Are you sure we got the right baby?" Sasuke asked.
"Sasuke!" Sakura scolded.
"Are we in the car?" Kenny asked for the third time.
Sakura got annoyed. "No Kenny, we're in a tractor!" Sakura said sarcastically
"Oh cool! Are we going a farm?" Kenny asked.
Now she was getting really annoyed. "Yes Kenny, you'll fit right in with the pigs."
"What's that suppose to mean?" Kenny asked.
"It means-
It means you're fat!" Sasuke said, cutting Sakura off.
"Ecuse me? For the last time, I'm not fat, I'm just averagely round!" Kenny exclaimed.
"Kenny, what do you think round means... and it's not ecuse me, it's excuse me" Sakura said.
"It means skinny." Kenny said.
"Where the hell did you get skinny out of round?" Sakura asked.
"Round means skinny." Kenny said
"...Maybe he's the dope." Sasuke muttered.
"Where did we go wrong?" Sakura whispered.
"We could sneak into the Dope's house and steal his ba-
"Don't even think about it!" Sakura exclaimed.
Silence,
More silence.
"Are we in the car?"
Sasuke and Sakura groaned.
The Immortals
He shuddered, ugh, heebie jeebies.
And though being in the hospital was commonplace for shinobi, Naruto was an atypical case. Some of his earliest memories were of stark white sheets, bandages, blinding lights, and the smell of his own blood. The healing touch of the medic nin would cause him to flinch and black out into a panic attack and he would scream—No. He shook his head and pushed those grim thoughts back to the furthest recesses of his mind. Naruto was supposed to be happy, is happy, but happiness for him is always fleeting.
The halls of Konoha's newly constructed hospital are quiet as he trudged through them; Naruto was tired, beyond tired—bone weary. Physically he was fine, perfect health, mentally though, he was staggering. After a three month mission, he wanted to sleep for a month and a day, but as he took in the sign that read maternity ward, he felt a new kind of adrenaline and quickened his pace.
Naruto's eyes widened as he walked towards the glass and lifted a trembling hand to its cool surface.
Namikaze….
Despite being a walking slogan for optimism, neon colors and all, yelling his motto from the Hokage monument. "Believe it!" He didn't quite believe. Even though he was seeing—barely, his eyes were blurring with tears.
Seeing was believing, right?
They were here, finally and their hair was red. Ka-san….
Naruto was grinning, that lunatic grin of his, and he began to laugh. Which soon turned into sobs of joy, and he was probably scaring passerby's, but he didn't care. All was right in the world, because they—his son and daughter—were finally here after nine months. Overwhelmed by emotion, he ran a hand through shaggy blond hair, blinking away tears to take them in amongst the other sleeping infants. Cocooned in their blankets, their bassinets side by side, Naruto felt his disbelief giving into awe. Naruto never thought… he never assumed. Kami, I have a family now. Tears fell anew.
Briefly, a warm hand touched his on the window, Naruto jumped, startled. A quiet laugh met his ears, and his wide eyes took her in. She smiled beatifically and through his raging emotions he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"You went into labor early!" He said incredulously.
"They were impatient just like their Tou-san," She said calmly, and Naruto felt another wave of awe settle over him at the word. She came to stand beside him and took in his tattered jounin vest and haggard appearance—a cursory check over to make sure he was fine. Always worried for the wellbeing of others. She then peered into the window to see their babies, with an expression that Naruto could only call contentment settling over her porcelain features.
"The labor lasted for f-fourteen hours," Hinata, began quietly, Naruto was a mess of emotion and knew he couldn't be counted on to ask the right questions. "Our daughter was first; weighing 6.4 pounds, then three minutes later our son, weighing 6.9 pounds. They were both quiet, wailing only for a moment, but I cried for the whole experience. Our daughter has a b-birthmark on the back of her left calf that looks likes the leaf insignia on our hitai-ate; a shinobi born and bred…" She laughed, which gave way into coughs.
"You're voice!"Naruto blurted out again, his head was still spinning, but at least he managed to sound concerned.
Hinata waved him off, "Oh I have a c-cold, my throat is sore and my chakra is low so I can't heal myself—see?" She held up her hand and a barely there green spark emanated from it, "Thankfully it isn't contagious, but whatever Sakura gave me to drink isn't working fast enough-" She squeaked out, when the wind was all but knocked out of her.
Naruto had tackled her, crushing her to his chest, his touch desperate. He was intense and probably frightening her, but he couldn't help it. When one had been met with scorn the majority of his life and finally had the acceptance of receiving of affection, it was a godsend, a lifesaver. But to initiate affection, with walls mighty in their great height and miles long in their width surrounding and protecting his heart, was a breakthrough. Hinata's stiffened form relaxed and she slowly raised her arms to embrace his neck, and like always she got it, she always would. So accepting….
"Thank you," He rasped into her ear, "thank you so much. I'm so, so happy. I'm can't find the words, but you've given me the world and you are awesome, so awesome and, and-"
"I know, Naruto-k-kun, I know," She stuttered out thickly.
Naruto loosened his arms, but didn't let her go, "I'm sorry I wasn't here for the birth, the mission took an unexpected turn."
"It's okay, you've just been securing us for the next year, and b-besides the labor came as much as a surprise as the pregnancy."
Hinata was right, it was a whirlwind; the whole situation caught them underhanded. In the midst of war, where death surrounded them, on its coattails rode in grief, whose presence consumed them all. Naruto needed comfort and familiarity after witnessing the deaths of friends and allies alike. And so to the one who claimed to love him, he had reach out and she had accepted without hesitation. Hinata had been convenient, and Naruto was able to feel a touch of his humanity again. But what was supposed to be a onetime encounter, turned into multiple. Eight months later in post war, surprise, surprise. He had been shocked, Hinata had been in hysterics—her father had disowned her for not terminating the pregnancy, despite Naruto being a war hero, the war hero. Quickly though as if tackling a new jutsu, Naruto rushed in like the fool he was, with all his usual enthusiasm. And with Naruto's infamous words of support Hinata jumped onto the bandwagon, expecting the journey to be difficult.
"Do you want to hold them?" She asked quietly.
"Yah …O-okay." Naruto's arms tightened around her once more, before dropping limply to his sides. Hinata took his hand and led him inside.
At nineteen Naruto is a father, and while it may seem young to some, amongst shinobi it was typical. Ninja lived fast and died young. He hadn't been a child since he earned his hitai-ate, nor an innocent since he first drew blood. But as he's being instructed on how to hold his son properly, and adjust his arms to support the babe's head, Naruto realized he had another reason to live. His son yawned and blinked owlishly up at him with Hinata's eyes and his eye color. Yes he definitely has a reason to live longer and survive.
"They're beautiful," Naruto murmured and turned his attention to Hinata and their daughter. Hinata was singing a lullaby under her breath, her eyes were closed and her expression serene. Motherhood becomes her.
"Have you thought of any names?" Naruto asked, fascinated by his son's iron grip on his finger.
"Yes, maybe after your father for him?"
"No," Naruto responded automatically, "I want him, both of them to have their own identities." Having to fill someone else's shadow and not be one's own person was too much to ask, particularly if that shadow was the fourth Hokage's.
Hinata nodded and smiled, "Okay we'll figure it out."
For a moment he watched her, transfixed. Hinata cuddled their daughter close, and dropped a kiss to her brow. It's like she already had it figured out, but really with a clan as large as hers, of course she would. There've been examples for her to follow, hands on experience. Him on the other, well that was that a conundrum that had finally revealed itself. Hell until two years ago he hadn't even known he had parents, that were pretty much Konoha royalty. Naruto studied his son, and held him close, burrowing his nose in the downy red hair that graced his head. And he wondered can he really do this—parenting, fatherhood!
"Hinata?"
"Hai," She replied absently, their daughter was fussing and Hinata had begun shifting her to and fro to quieten her.
"…I'm afraid," Naruto nearly whispered, and Hinata seemed to already know his greatest fear.
"As am I, but Naruto we have the chance your p-parents and my mother never had, that my father took for g-granted." And suddenly her gentle tone and expression become fierce, "I'm along for the ride, are you?"
Naruto stared at her, and then shook his head in the positive, "Yah, every step of the way."
"Good," she softened and said those fated words. "I love you, remember that."
Naruto paused, and felt his heart clench. He respected Hinata, after fourteen hours of labor to bring him the greatest gifts of his life, it just increased tenfold. Hinata was awesome—fucking awesome; she was the mother of his children. Naruto was very fond of her and felt affection he supposed, that came from friendship and constant championship.
Did Naruto love Hinata?
...No, he didn't know what love was.
Sure in those brief encounters with his parents' ghost, he felt a blinding warmth that had always been absent in his life. But those were just moments, pinnacle moments, but moments nonetheless that barely reflected a major bond, that all his other relationships were supposed to be based off of. And though he made companions everywhere he went, Naruto's trust was fragile, no matter how willingly he gave it. His walls of defense were impenetrable, and openings appeared to those who fortified his trust and to those who broke it, found themselves facing a fortress covered by a façade of grins and stupidity. But this defense wouldn't work anymore; he had a family now, both a vulnerability and now his greatest strength.
"I know."
And Hinata nodded in acceptance, she understood his shortcomings, and all of a sudden he felt inadequate. She was constantly meeting him half way and beyond, she had destroyed so many of his walls, and is within reaching distance of his heart. And while that would usually scare him, he felt strangely happy, maybe this is what love is.
Naruto reached out, callused skin to her smooth, and kissed her.
The words wouldn't form, but his actions always spoke louder. It would take patience to undo a lifetime of distrust, but for his twins and Hinata, he knew he could do it. For them he would.
Believe it!
Baldness
Naruto couldn't believe it.
He was in a state of pure shock.
He only left for 7 minutes and THIS is what happened.
You could see the emotions written on his face. There was shock, anger, confusion, and if you looked very closely, you could see fear.
Naruto Uzumaki, the man who beat the akatsuki and Madara Uchiha, brought Sasuke back, married the person he loved the most, but was too blind to see, and the dead last of his class who became Hokage, was scared.
The very thought of what his wife would do to him scared the living shit out of him. Standing right before him, in his office was his 2-year old son, beautiful faded red hair (he got it from Naruto's mom) all perfectly in place except for a bald spot at the top of his head, and his twin 4-year old daughters, with a pair of scissors, looking at him with same blank expression written on their faces.
"W-w-what h-happened?" said Naruto, unable to form the correct words. "We just wanted-" started Nasuko. "to cut Hikaru's hair" finished Nasumi calmly, something the twins did all the time. Naruto ran his hand through his golden blond locks, something he did when he was under stress. 'Hinata's going to be so pissed' he thought, remembering the last time he got her pissed.
FLASHBACK: (He took the newborn twins out for a stroll)
"H-Hey H-Hina-Chan…"
"Hey…a-are you ok, Naruto-kun?"
"U-Umm (insert gulp) Hinata, you know I love you right? Well I truly do-"
"What did you do?"
"W-well… onegai, onegai, onegai don't get mad but I kind of sort of lost the twins, and I was wondering if you could help me look for them? "
At that moment Hinata had upper-cut him.
"What do you mean if I can try to help you look for my children? I SWEAR TO GOD if you don't find them, I will cut off your Balls. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?" Hinata said calmly with so much venom dripping from the last few words. With that said our little sweet Hinata walked away swearing, evil aurora surrounding her.
Later on that day, Naruto found the twins at Ichiraku Ramen, giving the old man a hard time. When he returned home, Hinata took the kids away from him and forced him to sleep on the couch.
FLASHBACK END:
Naruto shuddered at the sudden memories that flashed before him. 'If that happened to a normal Hinata, imagine what would happen to a pregnant one?'
Yes, Hinata Uzumaki, former assassin, wife of Naruto Uzamaki, girl who lost her shutter, mother of 3 about to be 4, and Hyuuga Head was pregnant and had BAD mood swings when she was angry.
"Daddy?" called Hikaru snapping Naruto out of his trance, "what wrong?" "Um nothing nothing's wrong, let's go look for a hat ok?" Naruto said. "Ok" replied the red headed boy.
Hikaru Minato Jariya Uzumaki, son of Naruto and Hinata Uzumaki,brother of Nasumi Uzumaki and Nasuko Uzumaki, has red faded hair and bluish- Hyuuga eyes, age 2, was currently rubbing the bald spot on the top of his head, enjoying the softness and watching his sisters.
Nasumi Kushika Uzumaki, daughter of Naruto and Hinata Uzumaki, twin sister of Nasuko Uzumaki and sister of Hikaru Uzumaki, has blond hair with dark purple tips and whiteish-lavender eyes with a tint of blue, age 4, was playing rock, paper, scissors with her sister and was currently loosing.
Nasuko Hinako (the name I gave Hinata's mother) Uzumaki, daughter of Naruto and Hinata Uzumaki, twin sister of Nasumi Uzumaki and sister of Hikaru Uzumaki, has dark purple hair with blond tips and whiteish-blue eyes with a tint of lavender, age 4, was playing rock, paper, scissors with her sister and was currently winning.
"Ok, where here" said Naruto. The family was at a local clothing store about to buy a hat for Hikaru. The reason they were at this store was because they didn't own suitable hats at home. Why you ask? Well because they all had beautiful hair. Naruto turned to face his daughters. "Ok Sumi-chan, Suko-chan, I need you two to look for a hat for Hikaru, got it?" Naruto asked. "Ok daddy" said the twins said at the same time. As they were looking, Sakura and a pregnant Ino happened to pass by and notice them. "Oi! Naruto what's-"Sakura noticed the child's hair. There was a bitter-sweet silence.
"BAKA Ittai nani ga mondaidesu ka? Naze anata wa jibun no kodomo ni kore o okonau ni wa kibōdesu ka? Watashi wa anata ga mondai o shitte ita, kore wa chōdo hakujakudesu!" Sakura yelled, punching him in the process. "Sakura- chan think of the children…" Naruto wined in pain. "hey Ino" Naruto said recovering "how's the pregnancy?" "It's going great, arigato for asking" Ino said smiling but then she started to laugh. "Naruto" started Ino "a hat won't cover it up."
N: "I was hoping it would"
I: "well it won't"
S: "Naruto how DID this happen?"
I: "yea?"
N: "the twins"
S & I: "oh…"
N: "yea…can 1 of you help?"
S: "well I have to work at the hospital, but Ino can help"
N: "really Ino?"
I: "of course I can help; even you don't deserve Hinata's fury"
They all shutter.
Naruto told Hikaru and the twins, Plan: Hikaru goes with Auntie Ino and fixes his hair before okaa-san comes home and shows ALL of us Hyuuga Fury.
"ok then, Ino you can take Hikaru and drop him off at the house later on, about 6:30-ish? ok?" Naruto said. "I'll be there" said Ino. "arigato Ino!" Naruto called out before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
TIME SKIPP:
Later on that night I was 6:50, Ino wasn't there and Hinata was coming in 10 mins. "where is she!" Naruto said to himself. "where is who Naruto-kun?"ask Hinata as she came into the living room. "Hinata-chan!" Naruto said in surprise, kissing her…passionately
"okaa-san!" the twins said hugging her legs.
"hello Suko-chan, Sumi-chan…where's Karu-chan?"asked Hinata.
"he's asleep, okaa-san" said the twins.
"ok, I wanna see him-"
"No!"
Hinata starred at him.
"I mean I'll get him Hinata-chan" Naruto said hugging her.
"arigato, I've been busy all day" Hinata said smiling sweetly at him. Naruto knees felt like jelly. Hinata's smiles were the only things that make him feel like this. They showed love, care, and honesty towards him… even if it was just from T the pregnancy. It pained him that he was keeping such a secret from her. He walked up the stairs thinking of an excuse for the missing Hikaru when there was a tapping at the window. There at the window was Ino and Hikaru.
"where have you been? Hinata's here and she wants to see Hikaru" said Naruto as he took a sleepy Hikaru from Ino. "Gomen, I would have been here sooner but I saw Hinata coming this way so I just ran." Stated Ino. "Naruto looked at Hikaru and couldn't believe his eyes. It looked like he never got his hair cut in the first place. "wow Ino…how-"but he was cut off. "makeup" exclaimed Ino happily. "arigato Ino, I owe you one…now go before she finds you." Ino was gone. "lets go say 'konnichiwa' to okaa-san" said Naruto.
IN THE UZUMAKI PARENTS BED ROOM:
Everyone was in or her own bed fast asleep while Hinata was being held by Naruto. "Naruto" she started. "hmm?" Naruto said happy that the extra weight was lifted of his chest. "Don't…Ever…Keep a secret from me again concerning the children Ok?" she said with a serious face. Naruto was shocked. He turned to look at her but she was fast asleep.
Konoha's Angel
Konoha's Angel
9/07/07-9/08/07
By: Surashi (in fanfict.nt)
The Sensei's are even older as you can probably guess.
"Naruto…"
"Yes, I know." His voice was low. Lower than normal. Tsunade just felt horrible that she just woke him up, disturbing the last few moments that Naruto would have with her. She felt guilty.
"Naruto…I'm so sorry. We did the best we could, we didn't know her life support would give out."
"I'm sorry to…Can I just have 5 more minutes." Tsunade nodded and walked out with silent footsteps, closing the door behind her. He stood there. He stared at her. He wished that she was still alive. But there was nothing he could do.
"Naruto…I'm sorry." He walked out of the room, not giving Tsunade the slightest glance, and headed for home.
Naruto stepped into his apartment door and saw Iruka reading a children's book to Kyo.
It was several seconds before Iruka actually noticed Naruto standing in front of him.
"Naruto!"
"Daddy!" Kyo ran into his fathers arms and Naruto wrapped him in a huge hug. It was 15 seconds before the caring father let go of the 5 year-old son.
"Kyo" Naruto whispered "Why don't you go play in your room for a little while? Me and Iruka-Sensei need to talk." Kyo did exactly that, and left the two Ninja to talk. They both sat on the couch.
"So Naruto…how is she?" Naruto could only stare down at the floor. Iruka's face slid into a more depressed structure, scared to ask what had happened.
"She…Her life support gave out yesterday around 5 o'clock."
"Oh my god…" Naruto brought his hands to his face. "Naruto…I'm so sorry."
"I don't know how I'm going to tell the others."
RING
RING
RING
Naruto got up from the couch and answered the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey Naruto." Naruto thought deeply for a moment, but couldn't figure out who the voice belonged to.
"Who is this?"
"It's Neji and Sasuke" Another voice clouded the phone.
"Neji…and Sasuke?"
"Yeah. Neji has speaker phone." Sasuke's voice apparently.
"Oh, well what is it? I'm in the middle of something." Iruka got up and gave Naruto a 'who is it?' look.
Neji's voice took over. "Oh. Sorry to disturb you. We just called to ask if you and Kyo wanted to come over." Naruto stared at his feet
not knowing what to do.
"I think I need to be in my own house tonight…sorry."
Sasuke's taunting hooked the phone "We were thinking of going out for ramen."
"Sorry guys. Maybe some other time."
"Come on. You haven't been out in a while. Why not? It wont hurt to have one night out will it?"
"No…"
"Then what's the damn problem?"
"I have to talk to my son tonight."
"About?"
"...My wifes life support gave out yesterday. I haven't told Kyo yet." Iruka was very, very curious by now. Silence took over the phone.
"Naruto...I'm so sorry." Sasuke's voice. Neji stayed silent
"It's okay. Can you tell Gai's Team? Kurenia's Team is already aware."
"Yeah, sure. I'm sorry Naruto. We understand." Neji stayed silent
Sasuke hung up with an "Okay…bye". Naruto put down the phone and went to sit back down on the couch.
"Who was it Naruto?"
"It was Sasuke and Neji. They wanted me and Kyo to come over for a while." Iruka gave a sad look once again.
"Naruto, if there is anything I can do, let me know. I have to go. My class starts at 11:30" Naruto looked at the clock and saw that it was 11:15 a.m.
"Okay. I'm going to take Kyo out to play for a little while." Iruka nodded and walked out the door.
"Kyo! Would you come in here please?" Kyo came running to his father with a toy duck in his right hand. Naruto sat on the couch.
"Hi daddy! Iruka-Sensei taught me some things while he was here."
"Oh really? And what would those be?" The proud father picked up his son and put him on his knee.
"Well, he said that you were one of the most powerful shinobi in the village!"
A smile leapt across Naruto's face "Well you know your father! The best of the best!" He gave out a 'hi-five' hand to Kyo and Kyo gladly gave him one.
"Iruka also said that mommy was a great ninja also! He said you guys got to fight as a team a lot." Naruto's big smile faded into a soft smile.
"She was a great ninja. Me and your mother used to go on A ranked missions together."
Kyo's face lit up "A RANKED MISSIONS! But you don't have any injuries."
"I did. But they healed."
"Did Mommy's heal to?"
Naruto hugged his son "Uhh…Hey! Let's go play at the park. I'll take you to Ichiraku's" Having the small attention span of the 6 year-old he was, Kyo went to get his coat. Of course, being Naruto's son, he lived for ramen, so he was more excited than usual.
Naruto and Kyo came back home after a fun-filled afternoon. 3 hours of playing at the park, an hour at Ichiraku's, and several other activities. Naruto also stopped by Tsunade's to send out an alert of Mrs. Uzumaki's funeral. Tsunade gladly did so within 15 minutes and Naruto and Kyo headed home. After about another 15 minutes of walking, he started seeing villagers stop and bow to him in respect for his parted wife. He gladly returned nod rather than a bow. It took him a few seconds to figure out why everyone was bowing. When he figured it out he let a soft smile come to his lips. He didn't run into anyone he knew except for Shino. Shino bowed and told Naruto that he would be at her funeral and that he was very sorry for his loss. Kyo didn't have any idea what Shino was talking about, but he forgot about it a couple seconds later.
A very loud "THANKS DAD!" was heard from the room. All the time that Naruto spent with his son made him very happy. But that happiness was broken when he realized he still had to tell Kyo about his mother. Quite a few times he thought about it, but never really thought of what to say. I guess I'll just have to wing it. he thought. But this isn't going to be easy."Kyo!" Naruto sat on the couch, his hands over his eyes.
Being the 6 year-old that he was "Can I talk later? I'm playing with pat." He tended to have imaginary friends.
"Tell pat you'll talk to him later. I have to talk to you about your mother." Kyo suddenly forgot about his invisible friend and ran over to his father.
"What about mommy?" Naruto picked Kyo up and sat him on a cushion next to him and looked him in the eyes.
"Kyo…mommy…h-has…" Naruto felt tears stream down his face.
"Why are you crying daddy? Big people don't cry…"
Naruto smiled slightly "even th-the toughest people and ninja need to c-cry sometimes"
"Really?"
"Yes. Now I want you to listen for a minute. This is important…" Kyo looked up at his father, whose eyes had become filled with small tears.
"Kyo…You mother has…p-passed on." Kyo gave a confused look to his sobbing father.
"What does that mean?" Naruto froze. He had a hard enough time telling his son this, but explaining what it meant was more painful.
"umm…We-Well…" Several tears hit the floor and formed a very small puddle.
"Kyo, your mo-moth-mother…Has died." Kyo's confused look turned to a sad, depressed look. Kyo stood on his feet and closed his hands into fists. Not tightened fists like you would think them to be, but they were slightly closed. Gentle.
"Mommy lo-loved us…right daddy?" Naruto opened his eyes to find Kyo standing right in front of him.
He looked up at his face "Of course she did. She loved us very much."
"I know we both loved her as well…What did you call her?" Naruto looked in puzzlement for a moment. Then he realized what kyo was talking about.
"I called her my angel." Naruto smiled and Kyo sat on his fathers knee. Both of them still had tears traveling down their faces.
"I love mommy so much…Can't she come back?" Naruto looked at Kyo in surprise not at the question, but at the fact that Kyo had said Love instead of Loved.Naruto came up with the best answer he could "I love mommy to…And if I could bring her back I would. But that's not possible."
"I wish it was." Kyo grabbed Naruto's shirt and hugged his father tightly. So do I…"Daddy…How did mommy die?"
"She was...killed...by another ninja…" Knowing that life support was to hard to explain to a child, he decided to leave the hospital out of the conversation.
"Daddy, what time is it?"
Naruto looked to the clock "…6:59 p.m."
"I want to go to bed early. Can you put me to bed?"
"Sure." Naruto picked his son up and walked down the hall and into Kyo's bedroom. The walls were painted white the floor was flooded with toys. Naruto laid Kyo on his bed and tucked him under the blue covers. Kyo bent over the side of his bed to get a teddy bear from off the ground. Naruto shut the blinds and paced a kiss on his sons forehead.
"Kyo, mommy's funeral is tomorrow. Do you want to come?" Kyo nodded and Naruto shut the door behind him and saying goodnight.
Amazingly, Tsunade was able to arrange a funeral in just one day, send out notices and invitations, get security, and a bunch of other things. Shizune could barley believe it.
"Excuse me, if everyone is ready, we are ready to start the ceremony." Everyone was as ready as they would ever be, so everyone took their seats. Sakura sat next to Kyo and Sasuke sat next to Naruto. Kiba, Shino, and Lee behind them. Neji was standing in the back. Shikimaru, Choji, and Ino could not be seen. And the sensei's were in the separate row except for Jiraiya, who was standing beside Sasuke.
"If everyone is ready, we will begin." Shizune announced. Tsunade stepped up to the podium and started reading off of some cards she wrote just the night before.
"Today we gather, to remember a 21 year-old mother, a great jonin, a caring friend and a loving wife." Naruto felt several tears streaming down his face. It was 1 minute into the ceremony and Sakura, Naruto, and Kiba already had started crying. But it was silent crying, there was no look of emotion. Just streams of tears traveling down their faces as they listened to their Hokage.
"…She was indeed a brilliant fighter and a brilliant friend at that." Tsunade went on, telling about their former friend as Lee, Tenten, and Kurenai started crying. Sasuke placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder. Naruto looked over to him but Sasuke just nodded and a smile let it's way across Naruto's face. Sasuke's nod, said a silent "Everything's going to be fine" sorta thing.
"…Everyone loved her very much. If anyone would like to say a few words, please make your way to the stand." Naruto was about to stand when he felt a small hand tug on his sleeve.
"Daddy."
"huh?"
Kyo grabbed his fathers hand "Can I go up?…Please?" Naruto was so surprised he nearly fell backwards into his chair, but instead, gave his son a nod. Kyo made his way up to the podium as everyone stared. Their heads filling with curiosity. Well, well, what do we have here? Kakashi continued to stare at the 6 year-old, waiting and watching. Kyo turned in front, seeing many, many, eyes staring back at him. Most of those eyes were filled with tears. Kyo looked at his father who smiled at him.
"Hi…" Sakura smiled at his adorable voice. " My mommy isn't here today. And that makes me very sad. I love my mommy a lot, I want her back here with me and daddy. But I'm old enough to know that it isn't possible for her to ever come back. However, I think everyone will remember her." Kyo let a small smile form on his face. "Daddy loves mommy also. He loves her a lot, and no one could as much as daddy does. Not even me." Naruto smiled and was proud of his son. He didn't know his son knew how to talk like this. After all, he is six.
"I love my wife. She was stunningly beautiful and a wonderful partner. She was a great ninja and a splendid fighter. I agree with my son 100 percent. She is indeed Konoha's Angel." Naruto stepped down and sat back in his seat. His son rested his head on his fathers arm.
"So…You must be proud." Naruto found Kakashi standing next to him. He grinned and nodded.
"I am very proud of my son. He did very well."
"And you?"
"I'll live on. But I'm glad Tsunade-sama was able to pay for all of this. I would be toast if she didn't." Naruto laughed. Kakashi smiled under his mask and walked away.
"Hey, Naruto. How are you feeling?" Sasuke approached them.
"I'm a little depressed, but I'll be fine."
"That's good to hear. Your son is pretty cool. He reminds me of you when you and I were 12 and 13. " Naruto grinned an even bigger smile "Only there's one difference." Naruto looked at Sasuke in puzzlement.
"He's more mature then we were put together."
"I can't disagree with that one." Sasuke and Naruto parted and everyone traveled to the burial ceremony. Again it was filled with tears and long speeches, But Kyo slept through the whole thing and Naruto had a soft smile on his face the entire time. Both of them looked peaceful…Like father, like son.
"Daddy."
"Hmm?"
"What do we do now?" Naruto closed his eyes and spoke. A thing many fathers do when their tired.
"Well, I'm going to take a nap."
Kyo smiled. "Can I take a nap with you?" How could a father refuse that? So Naruto nodded and Kyo crawled on top of his father laying his head on Naruto's chest. He felt Naruto's steady heart beat connect with his; they were moving at the same pace. Their breathing was the same also. Before They both knew it, they were asleep with Naruto's hand on top of Kyo's head.
"Hey, Naruto" Sasuke ran to Naruto with a smile lighitng his face.
He waved his hand slightly "Hey Sasuke. What's up"
"Nothing. I was actually hoping Kyo would be with you. I promised him to teach him some Tai-Jutsu today." Naruto smiled looking down.
"Well don't teach him anything to dangerous. He could kick my ass in no time! Haha!" Sasuke gave a light smile.
"Speaking of which, what does Iruka have to say about his skill-levels?"
"Well, his Nin-Jutsu is average. But his Gen-Jutsu and Tai-Jutsu are 'Incredible'. Iruka also said that he's at the top his class. When he turns 10 he will be as strong as you were when you were 12." Sasuke raised an eyebrow.
"Really? Impressive. Where is Kyo anyway?"
"He's playing with one of his classmates at the school." Naruto let his smile fade.
"Well, why don't you come with us? I'm sure you need to get your mind of certain things."
"Nah. I'll just stay here for a couple more minutes." Sasuke nodded and walked off to find Kyo.
A loving Mother, Wife and Friend.
Above all, Konoha's Only Angel.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
Disclaimer : standard applied, always and always forever ever sever MASASHI KISHIMOTO. Tapi Hatake Kakashi adalah suami radna, ga percaya? tanya deh sama KUA nya Konoha XD Genre : parody, humor.
Rate : ambil aman, T saja! (insyaf pake M :p )
Warning(s) : misstypos (nothin's perfect, right?), tidak ada EYD (ah aku ga pinter bahasa Indonesia!) OOCs (super OOCs), tidak jelas, tidak lucu, garing, bikin kecewa dan lain-lain (radna sudah memperingatkan lho yaa)
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
by RadnaRadno
"setiap orang memiliki kesabaran dalam menghadapi masalah masing-masing, tetapi ada kalanya orang tersebut sampai pada batasan kesabarannya dalam menghadapi suatu masalah sehingga membuatnya melupakan batasan kesabaran dan berubah menjadi emosi yang memuncak.
aku pun sama, aku sudah menggunakan kesabaranku untuk menghadapi sebuah masalah, dan kesabaranku itupun sudah mencapai batasnya, tetapi aku bukan tipe orang yang akan menggunakan emosi sebagai penyelesaian masalah.
aku lebih memilih 'menghapus' atau 'menghilangkan' pokok permasalahan yang menguras kesabaranku itu agar semuanya kembali tenang.
hah tentunya kalian tau apa yang kumaksud dengan kata-kataku diatas, bagi yang tau aku harap bisa menyikapi dengan baik.
bagi yang belum atau tidak tau hmm biarlah tetap menjadi ketidaktauan.
semoga para orang-orang anonymous yang menginginkan aku menghilangkan pokok permasalahanku sekarang bisa tersenyum senang dan penuh kemenangan, aku tidak benci, dendam ataupun marah tapi aku hanya berpesan tetaplah kalian jadi manusia yang baik dan berharga bagi orang disekitar kalian, karena akupun mencoba melakukan hal yang sama :)
seperti kata-kata favoritku :
seberapa kuat dirimu, jangan pernah menanggung semuanya sendirian niscaya kau akan gagal - Uchiha Itachi.
ternyata aku memang tidak kuat menanggung sesuatu yang menurutku adalah sesuatu yang perlu aku pertanggung jawabkan dengan baik dan benar, karena dari itu aku berterimakasih kepada orang-orang yang bisa membuatku tersenyum dan membantuku memikul tanggung jawab walaupun secara tidak langsung (semoga kalian membaca ini),
juga untuk 'kitsune murasaki is a little monster' kamu orang baik yang selalu berkata-kata positif buat aku,
kalau kita ketemu kita pasti bisa jadi teman baik, teman curhat, teman ngobrol yang asik . terimakasih ya hime :)
dan sederet nama lainnya yang maaf aku tidak bisa menyebutkan satu-persatu (aku ga hapaal T.T ada absensi?)
yah, hidup hanya satu kali kita nikmati saja semua hal yang terjadi :)
JUST DON'T WALK IN THE JUDGE,
EVERYPEOPLE HAVE A BAD MISTAKE, SO HOW HEAVY YOU COULD APOLOGIZE THEM?
tralalalala aku benci formalitas yang terlalu banyak, nyantai hayuk kita nikmatin sebuah fic abal dan gajelas karya penulis amatiran RadnaRadno"
Hari ini adalah hari lebaran, hari penuh kemenangan dan harinya para pemudik pulang ke kampung halaman.
"Leader, semua sudah kumpul," ujar seorang pria bercadar.
"Benarkah? oke get ready ya?" tanya seorang pria mesum berpiercing.
"Osh!" sahut sekumpulan badut konyol yang lupa umur.
Usut punya usut nih ya sebuah organisasi keren bernama Akatsuki yang beranggotakan para Nuke Nin kelas S sedang merencanakan akan pulang ke kampung halaman mereka masing-masing.
Hari ini mereka naik sebuah bis kelas ekonomi jurusan ke semua desa di negara Api.
Wait! kelas ekonomi? NUKE NIN KELAS S naik bis kelas EKONOMI? ga elit banget ya?
Ooh saya tau penyebabnya! Coba tanyakan pada bendahara organisasi itu yang bernama Kakuzu dan kau akan menemukan jawabannya dengan imbalan tukar tambah jantung.
Tapi hari ini para Nuke Nin kece itu tidak akan pulang ke desa masing-masing, lewatkan Iwa, beloklah sebelum Suna, tidak ada jalur ke Taki karena mereka hanya akan pergi ke 1 tujuan, K-O-N-O-H-A!
Yes, Konoha!
Loh kok Konoha? bukannya dari 10 anggota Nuke Nin itu cuma 1 eh 2 orang yang asalnya dari Konoha?
kakang Itachi dan mbah Madara, iya kan?
Atau mungkin semua Nuke Nin itu pindah KTP jadi warga desa Konoha?
Ah, impossib! mister Kakuzu tidak akan mau mengeluarkan uang sepeserpun hanya demi mengganti KTP kewargadesaan.
Lah terus kenapa semua ke Konoha?
Usut punya usut rupanya kesepuluh Nuke Nin itu pingin berlebaran dirumah salah dua anggotanya.
Siapa lagi kalau bukan duet Uchiha, kang Itachi dan mbah Madara.
Wait! kenapa harus dirumah mereka berdua?
Yaah kata anggota Akatsuki minus Itachi dan Madara, hanya rumah Uchiha saja yang sangat layak untuk dikunjungi.
Tau sendiri kan Uchiha?
Mereka tajir, banyak duit, banyak makanan.. bener kan? masa iya Uchiha kere?
Akhirnya dengan sedikit Rinnegan, Shamehada dan penarikan kas secara overdosis, para Nuke Nin itu (dengan terpaksa) diijinkan oleh duet Uchiha untuk berlebaran di Konoha.
Mereka sekarang sudah berada diterminal dan naik bis 'Orocinta Laura-Lanang Ora Wadon Ora' jurusan Konoha.
Setelah bersiap-siap dan membawa seluruh persiapan akhirnya mereka sudah duduk manis didalam bis yang melaju santai.
Mereka duduk sesuai bangku bis yang kiri 2 kanan 3,
Pein-Deidara ~ Konan-Tobi-Sasori
Kakuzu-Hidan ~ Itachi-Kisame-Zetsu.
Perjalanan tenang, aman, nyaman dan mulus semulus pipi Uchiha Sasuke.
Hingga tiba-tiba salah satu anggota organisasi nista itu berdiri dan memulai aksi ke-Nuke-Nin-an mereka,
"Yang karcis yang karcis yang karcis, bayar bayar bayar, bayar atau jantungmu bubar."
Alhasil mendengar ancaman itu para penumpang mau tidak mau harus mau membayar dobel untuk karcisnya, padahal tadi si kondektur asli, cak Kabuto sudah menarik ongkos karcis.
"Leader, karcis!" ujar si penarik karcis bercadar itu pada pria berpiercing leader organisasi Akatsuki.
"Bon," jawab si leader singkat.
"Huh! next, Dei karcis!" si pria bercadar mendengus mendengar jawaban leadernya dan menarik karcis pada bishounen blonde yang duduk disamping leader mesum itu.
"Katsu, un?" tanya si blonde sambil menyerahkan lempung kecil sebesar bulatan merica kepada pria bercadar.
PLAR
Bulatan itu meledak dengan daya ledak yang imut-imut.
"Brengsek, bukan katsu! karcis baka!" maki si pria bercadar.
"Bon juga, un" jawab si bishounen blonde.
"Huh! Konan karcis" lanjut si cadar pada the only beautiful girl on Akatsuki.
Sejenak wanita berambut biru itu menoleh lalu menyerahkan selembar kertas pada penarik karcis.
"Gue minta uang bukan kertas, Konan!" ujar si cadar.
"Terima atau kau yang akan menjadi kertas" jawab si wanita dingin plus deathglare yang lebih mematikan daripada punya si Sas-uke.
Akhirnya dengan desahan serak nan seksi bak Siren Sungkan si cadar berlalu melirik pria bertopeng baygon orange disamping Konan,
"Tobi, karcis.." ujar Kakuzu.
"Karcis? Kau mau bis ini jurusan dimensi Mangekyou, Kaku?" jawab Tobi dengan Sharingan activated.
"E-eh ti-tidak, lupakan.. maaf maaf mbah" ujar Kakuzu, (dia ga sadar dirinya juga mbah ckck).
Cih mbah Madara kan Uchiha, masa Uchiha ditarik duit karcis aja langsung pamer Mangekyou? usut punya usut ternyata mbah Madara eh Tobi mabuk perjalanan saudara-saudara! otomatis dia ganti image jadi mbah Mada biar ga ketauan kalau Tobi-nya mabuk cintaahh dan jandaahh, bagus juga ide si autis!
Akhirnya si mbah Kakuzu beralih kesamping mbah Mada, si baby Akatsuki yang dari ngebrojol sudah imut-imut bahkan sampe tuwir juga tetep aja baby face, Sasori.
"Saso, karcis dobel" ujar Kakuzu sewot.
"Kok dobel mas?" tanya baby face.
"Heh Hiruko lu itu duduknya 3 bangku jadi 1, iya kalau dua hati jadi satu bagus tuh lagunya Gitar Ketawa, nah ini Hiruko? mana ntu Hiruko racunnya nyebar ke penumpang laen, liat tuh tepar SEMUA!" teriak Kakuzu sambil menunjuk kearah Hiruko yang duduk dibelakang dan beberapa pasukan ANBU yang niatnya mau mudik eh malah tepar kena sabetan cinta buntutnya Hiko-Chan.
"Eng- Saso lagi ga punya duit Kuzu, mbah Chiyo ga ngasih Saso sangu lebaran soalnya mbah Chiyo bilang Saso kalau dikasih duit ntar dibuat beli boneka voodo buat ngevoodo mbah, jadi Saso kere sekarang Kuzu.." jawab Sasori dengan baby face sebaby-babynya.
"Heh gue bukan orang bego yang gampang dibegoin Sas! Lu ga punya duit tapi bisa beli gaun baru buat Hiruko, apanya yang kere heh?" jawab Kakuz pada Saso.
"Tapi-"
"Bayar atau jantung elu gue bubarin!"
"Saso ga punya jantung Kakuu.." kata Saso melas.
"Lu punya bego! Kalo kaga mana mungkin hito kugutsu lu idup" bentak Kakuz pada Saso.
"Huh iya deh Saso bayar, dasar rentenir bangkotan!" akhirnya dengan sangat amat sangat super sangat terpaksa Sasori mengeluarkan lembaran uang dari dalam dompetnya.
"Ini, lunas sama Hiruko juga!" ujar Saso pada Kakuz.
"Oke gu- eh duit apa nih Sas? ngapa gambarnya BARBIE GINI HEH?" teriak Kakuz histeris.
"Iya emang itu duit Saso, soalnya Saso ga suka gambar duit yang beredar dipasaran, gambarnya imam benjol, pattinmurah, sukar dan harta, Saso ga kenal sama mereka jadi Saso ganti sama yang gambarnya barbie" jawab Saso-Koi dengan watados-nya.
"Anjing babi kuda paus kucing stoberiii!" Kakuz misuh-misuh dengan kosa kata yang sangat sopan.
"Udah ah, Kakuz sana deh.. Saso pingin muntah kalau kelamaan deket-deket Kakuz.." ujar Sasori.
"Brengsek! gue dimaenin sama bocah jejadian!" serapah Kakuz sambil berlalu mendekati sang uke, Hidan.
Dasar Kakuzu tidak berperikugutsuan dan peribabyfacean pada Sasori!
"Dan, karcis" kata Kakuz pada Hidan.
"Jashin-Sama berka-"
"Stop! gue pusing denger kata-kata Jashin lu! dia idup dimana juga gue gatau, dia lebaran juga kaga ngasih gue duit, stop!" belum sempat Hidan mengucap apa yang ada dilubuk hatinya yang paling dalam, seme Kakuz sudah meracau ke-Jashinan-nya.
"Babi bebek beruang banteng bisooonn!" teriak Hidan dengan lantang, oh tidak dia tidak misuh-misuh dengan kata-kata yang sopan, tapi dia lagi ngeliatin pemandangan hewan-hewan diluar bis.
"Itachi karcis!" ujar Kakuz pada pria sulung Uchiha yang sebelumnya sudah diperdayai dengan over kas.
Kontan yang dipanggil langsung mendongakkan kepala dan menatap Kakuz dengan pandangan penuh cinta,
"Ya?" ujar sulung Uchiha itu dengan Sharingan activated.
"E-eh enggak jadi deh, Ita-Koi ganteng deh~" ujar Kakuz sambil mentowel dagu mulus Itachi.
".." yang ditowel cuma diem aja, masa mau bales nowel? dimana harga diri sebagai Uchiha? padahal si Ita-Koi sudah ngebet banget nowel Kakuz dilandasi api cinta amaterasu yang membara-bara.
Usut punya usut ya Itachi memang ga sengaja mengaktifkan Sharingannya, why? alasan klasik doong Itachi MABUK CINTA PADA KAKUZ eh MABUK PERJALANAN!
ckck apakah semua Uchiha hobi mabuk? jangan ditiru ya anak-anak mabuk itu tidak baik kecuali mabuk janda dan mabuk cinta wekekek XD .
"Kisame karcis" ujar Kakuz pada Kisa.
"Ng-" Kisame tidak dapat berkata apa-apa karena terpesona oleh Kakuz, eh nggak juga ding!
Kisame, dia.. wajahnya berubah menjadi biru sebiru tenda biru!
Eh, memang wajahnya Kisa warnanya biru yaa -.-
"Karcis Hoshikagi Kisame!" ulang Kakuz pada Kisa.
"Ng-" Kisame tetap bergeming.
"Kau tidak apa-apa Kisame-San?" tanya Itachi yang duduk disamping Kisame.
"Ng-" Kisame tetap terdiam dan hanya ber-NG ria.
"Wajahmu pucat, apa kau baik-baik saja Kisame-San?" tanya Itachi sambil mengelus sesuatu yang saat ini berwarna putih pucat- Shamehada-nya Kisame!
What the?
"I-itachi-San, yang kau sentuh itu Shamehada" ucap Kisame pelan.
"Oh maaf Kisame-San" ujar Itachi datar, padahal dalemnya sudah malu beraaat tuh.
"Hei sudah cukup adegan yaoi kalian! karcis mana duit?" ujar Kakuz menyela adegan William-Kate nya Ita dan Kisa.
"Ng- a-aku ti-tidak punya uang" ujar Kisa.
"Halah akting! kaga punya duit tapi bisa beli baju lebaran buat Shamehada!" ujar Kakuz.
"Ng-" Kisame terdiam, wajahnya semakin biru!
Apa jangan-jangan Kisame ingin membuat video klip tenda biru?
Ah masa sih...
"Kisame-Senpai tidak apa-apa? Senpai wajahnya biru begitu" ujar Tobi yang kini berbalik menengok ke arah bangku belakang.
"Ng-" Kisame tetap NG-ria.
"Kisame! kau mabuk ya?" tanya Konan yang kini ikut-ikutan nengok ke arah belakang.
"A-aku ti-tidak kuat" ucap Kisame pelan.
"Antimo, mana antimo!" teriak Konan.
"Tidak ada," jawab Kakuz singkat.
"What? bukannya aku sudah bilang padamu untuk beli antimo Kuz?" tanya Konan.
"Boros, tepuk punggungnya aja pake Shamehada ntar juga baikan" ujar Kakuz enteng.
What? makin gila aja nih bendahara...
JDUAK
Kakuzu kini tepar dihajar Shamehada oleh Kisame,
"Woi rentenir mata kodok bangkotan! lu kira gue apaan main tepuk aje pake Shamehada, mampus lu tepar" ujar Kisame esmosi.
"Sabar Kisame-Senpai" ujar Tobi.
Akhirnya dengan keteparan akut yang dialami bendahara kita maka perjalanan kembali mulus semulus pahanya Ton-Ton.
Akatsukis kembali menikmati keindahan pemandangan perjalanan mereka, tapi tiba-tiba..
"P-L-A-Y B-O-Y B-O-Y, lihat Kurenai belok, lihat si Anko belok sampe mpok Konan gak ditengok. Ino piggy deketin, Karin bohai jabanin, Konan terus yang dimainin... Apa sekarang Pein sudah jago akting? Apa Konan salah bila andalkan cintaaaaaaaa... Gak gak gak kuat, gak gak gak kuat Konan gak kuat sama playboy playboy, gak gak gak level gak gak level Konan gak levek sama cowok piercingan..." sebuah suara cempreng nan seksi mengalun merdu dari 3 mulut seorang bishounen blonde yang berobsesi menjadi anggota Girls Generation.
"Waoo Senpai keren, go Senpai!" teriak mbah-mbah baygon rasa orange.
"Kemon baby, kita joget bersama-samaaa" teriak bishounen itu.
"Mengapa hatiku cenat-cenut tiap ada Danna, selalu katsuku meledak tiap dekat Danna.. Mengapa salah tingkah tiap dilirik Danna, selalu otakku beku tiap memikirkan Danna.. Kenapa tiga lidahku kelu tiap Danna panggil aku, selalu tubuhku lunglai tiap Danna bisikkan cintaa.. Danna suka main towel.. oh Dannaku, oh kugutsu ku, oh cintaku..." bishounen Dei-Chan itu menyanyi dengan semangat sambil menowel-nowel babyface Sasori, yang ditowel? wah sudah nosebleed akut saudara-saudara..
tidakkah Sasori no Danna ingat Dei-Chan itu punya burung eh?
"Konan-Senpai, Tobi kebelet pipiis" ujar baygon rasa orange.
"Aduh, bagaimana ya Tobi, bisnya tidak mungkin berhenti sebelum sampai di Konoha.. Tobi tahan ya?" bujuk Konan pada Tobi.
"Ti-tidak bisa Senpai, su-sudah diujung..." rengek Tobi pada Konan.
"Aduh bagaimana ya Tobi, tidak bi-"
CURRR
Kata-kata nona origami itu diinterupsi oleh bunyi yang sangat mengejutkan,
"Tobi kau NGOMPOL?" tanya Konan histeris pada Tobi disampingnya.
"Uh ti-tidak Sen-"
"Kau tau tidak kalau pipis semba-"
CURRRR
"TOBII! kau benar-benar anak na-"
CURRRR
"Se-senpai, bukan Tobi yang curr curr daritadi.. tapi Itachi-Senpai yang ngecurr" ujar Tobi sambil menunjuk-nunjuk Tachiko yang sedaritadi ngecurr melulu.
What? Uchiha Itachi ngecurr?
Masa iya Uchiha ngompolan?
"I-itachi-San, kau ngompol?" tanya Konan sambil menoleh perlahan kebelakang, sungguh dia tidak kuasa menerima kenyataan bahwa pria setampan dan se-cool Itachi adalah tukang ngompol! hancur sudah rasa kagumnya pada sulung Uchiha itu, duh segitunya mpok..
"Tidak," jawab Itachi sambil tetap ngecurr.
CURRR
Konan membelalakkan mata ketika menatap apa yang dilakukan master Sharingan itu..
Saudara-saudari ternyata Itachi sedang ngecurrin sesuatu ke dua orang yang duduk disampingnya!
Ya, pada Kisame dan Zetsu!
Waoo apa yang sebenarnya dilakukan Uchiha satu ini?
Apa dia tidak takut dicincang Shamehada dan dilalap duo Zetsu?
"I-itachi kau.." Konan gagap seperti Hinata, hmm mungkin mister Hiashi mau mengangkatnya menjadi Hyuuga Konan?
"Kisame-San dehidrasi karena terlalu lama berada didarat, dia butuh air untuk tetap hidup. Zetsu-San juga perlu disiram air, dia butuh air untuk fotosintesis" jelas Itachi.
"Eh, lalu apa yang kau siramkan pada mereka itu?" tanya Konan masih kebingungan.
"Zetsu-San butuh mineral yang banyak untuk fotosintesis, jadi kusiram dia dengan air pipis Manda agar mendapatkan nutrisi cukup untuk berfoto ria. Sedangkan Kisame-San adalah spesies penghuni laut, dia membutuhkan air dengan kadar garam tinggi, tetapi aku tidak suka air garam, aku suka yang manis-manis jadi kusiram dia dengan air gula, agar Kisame-San juga terlihat lebih manis.." jawab Itachi dengan datar dan tampang watados.
Ini Uchiha pinter bener, tapi kok rada senewen ya?
Konan dan Akatsukis lain yang mendengar jawaban Itachi hanya bisa cengo.
Kasian Zeze mimim pipisnya Manda, pantesan belangnya tadi jadi polkadot gitu agaknya dia alergi pipis ular..
Tapi berkat Zeze yang berfotosintesis maka pasokan oksigen didalam bis bisa meningkan dan mengakibatkan udara menjadi sejuk, Zeze pengorbananmu kami junjung tinggi!
Kasian juga Kichame, dia jadi lengket dan megap-megap akibat air gulanya Tachiko, ah ga pa-pa Kicha, demi make over agar terlihat lebih manis dihadapan yayang Ita apasih yang enggak?
Sedangkan Tobi? setelah dibantu Itachi menggunakan Mangekyou Sharingan maka Tobi bisa pipis dengan lega di dimensi lain, ckck ide nista tapi patut dicoba!
Akhirnya setelah semua kejadian nista yang dialami Akatsukis, perjalanan mudik ke Konoha bisa dilanjutkan dengan aman, tenang dan sentausa.
Semoga mereka semua menjadi makhluk yang sakinah, mawadah dan warrahmah...
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
"Pemberhentian terakhir, Konohagakure. Bagi penumpang yang hendak turun diharapkan bersiap-siap dan jangan lupa barang bawaan anda masing-masing dan oh iya bawa juga serta dosa-dosa anda!" teriak supir bis, Suigetsu.
Kontan para Akatsukis yang tadinya mau turun dan meninggalkan dosa di bis akhirnya balik lagi dan mengambil dosa mereka.
Pein dosanya majalah bokep yang tadinya sih mau ditinggal biar ga ketauan Konan, masa lebaran baca bokep? mau ditaruh mana piercingnya nanti?
Dei ngambil dosanya yakni ninggalin lempungnya yang sudah kena liur mulut ditangannya yaiks!
Konan dosanya ninggalin Tobi yang ternyata tepar setelah dibius Konan pake baygon biar ga tanya-tanya melulu, ckck nista juga ternyata mpok Konan nih..
Tobi dosanya? hadah jangan ditanya deh, coba liat pulau Madagaskar yang tercipta akibat banjir lokalnya Tobi..
Sasori mah jelas, dia mau ninggalin Hiruko gitu aja katanya sih kalo bawa-bawa Hiruko ntar dia ga dapet sangu lebaran dong, kan dikira Hiko-Chan sudah tuwir..
Hidan dosanya ninggalin Kakuzu yang masih tepar, katanya sih dia pingin ganti seme!
Kakuzu dosanya? waduh banyak! liat deh jantung-jantungnya yang pada kececeran dilantai bis, dikira pasar daging apa?
Itachi mah jelas, dia ninggalin Kichame sama Zeze yang tepar akibat ulahnya, kata dia mah masa Uchiha gotong-gotong hiu sama VFT? bisa ngabur semua fansnya..
Kichame mah dia ninggalin dosa dengan ninggalin dirinya sendiri didalem bis, katanya sih dia hiu penuh dosa (nyadar juga akhirnya).
Zetsu? ah coba liat deh bangkunya Zeze, paling banyak dosanya! ada pupuk kandang, pupuk organik, tanah humus, cacing de-el-el katanya sih tadi dibuat fotosintesis, dasar tanaman..
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
"Permisi, spada, haloo, anybody home?" teriak Akatsukis didepan kediaman Uchiha.
GREEEKK
Fusuma berlambang Uchiwa itu terbuka, lalu muncullah sesosok pria tampan berpantat ayam,
"Siapa?" tanya pria itu dingin.
"Otouto, kau lupa pada aku?" sulung Uchiha Itachi maju kedepan.
"Oh, kau tukang bantai, mau apa?" tanya pria raven itu dingin.
"Silaturahmi dong Otouto, masa lebaran ga silaturahmi? aku sadar aku banyak dosa, jadi aku pingin minta maaf," ujar Tachiko dengan nada datar yang melas.
"Mereka siapa?" tanya si raven lagi.
"Loh masa ga kenal? mereka ini-"
"Sudah tau, masuk" ujar raven itu lagi.
Akhirnya Akatsukis masuk kedalam rumah Uchiha yang besar dan mewah itu, tapi dalam lubuk hati mereka yang paling dalam mereka was-was tingkat Jashin.
Masuk kerumah Uchiha yang dihuni salah satu musuh?
mereka pasti pingin ngincipin sambaran Kirin..
"Sasuke," panggil Itachi lembut.
"Hn," pria pantat ayam yang dipanggil Sasuke itu menyahut.
"Aku kangen," ujar Itachi sambil berlari memeluk adiknya yang berjarak hanya 2 meter dari tubuhnya.
"Aku benci kau!" ucap Sasuke dingin.
Itachi menghentikan langkahnya yang kurang 5cm lagi dan membuka mulutnya,
"Ke-kenapa Otouto?" tanya Itachi bingung.
Heh apa Tachiko lupa siapa yang ngebantai emak bapaknya Sasuke? kok pake tanya kenapa..
"Karena kau.." ucap Sasuke tertahan.
"Karena aku kenapa Sasu?" tanya Itachi tetap watados.
"Karena kau.. TIDAK MEMBERIKU SALAM TEMPEL LEBARAN!" teriak Sasuke over OOC.
"E-eh salam tempel?" tanya Itachi stay watados.
"Semua temanku dapat salam tempel lebaran dari keluarganya, sedangkan aku? aku hanya dapat dari fansgirls dan warga desa! mana kakakku yang harusnya memberiku salam tempel?" teriak Sasuke OOC.
"E-eh oh iya aku lupa, ini salam tempel untukmu Sasu-Chan" ucap Itachi genit-genit manja sambil mengulurkan tangannya yang menggenggam sesuatu.
Wajah stoic Sasuke berubah jadi sumringah bak Naruto yang menang undian ramen gratis setahun.
"Nii-San kau tidak perlu repot-repot.." ucap Sasuke malu-malu Manda sambil tetap mengulurkan tangan pada Itachi (serakah ya Uchiha satu ini?).
Lalu Sasuke menggenggam tangan Tachiko erat, tiba-tiba,
"BRENGSEK KAU BAKA ANIKI!" teriak Sasuke histeris, karena hmm tangannya terkena lem altecong-nya Itachi!
"Katanya salam tempel? ini kan salam tempel Otouto cayang, kita bisa terus menempel selamanya," ucap Tachiko inosen.
Sasuke shock, Tachiko senyum bahagia, Akatsukis ternganga seperti Lady Gaga.
"Sudah-sudah, ini kan lebaran ayo kita saling maaf-maafan.. bentar lagi kita kan kunjung-kunjung ke rumah tetangga, ayo kita saling minta maaf" ujar si ketua Pein (sok) bijak.
Semua Akatsukis hampir mati karena shock mendengar kata piercingman mesum itu.
"Kalian semua kenapa memandangku seperti itu?" tanya Pein.
"Ka-kau serius Pein?" tanya Konan setengah merinding, soalnya terakhir kali Pein berkata-kata bijak hasilnya membuat Manda dan Gamabunta menikah dan menghasilkan anak berupa Hachibi.
"Serius cayang, nah ayo kita nikmati hari-hari lebaran kita di Konoha" ujar Pein.
Akatsukis plus Sasuke duduk ditengah-tengah ruang keluarga Uchiha.
Hening.
Semua diam tanpa berani angkat suara.
Secara se-geng 10 orang Nuke Nin kelas S ditambah 1 orang Nuke Nin ganteng yang (sok) keren, kalau saling ngomong trus ada yang kesinggung, wah apa ada yang mau dibantai pake jurus andalan?
Kita pun pasti merinding, hening dan mencekam kalau berada ditengah-tengah mereka, eh kita? kalian aja kalii, radna kan dilindungin Sasuke-Koi hahahaha #PLAK.
"Eng- Sasuke, kau puasa, un?" tanya Deidara berusaha mencairkan suasana.
"Puasa," jawab Sasuke singkat dan dingin.
'Huh karena ini aku benci Uchiha' batin Dei-Chan, tau sendiri kan Deidara benci setengah mati sama yang namanya Uchiha...
Alasannya? ah masa gatau sih, kan Dei-Chan dulu pernah DITOLAK Itachi pas nembak didepan gang kelinci, demi Kisame, Itachi mencampakan gadis secantik Deidara, oh sungguh kisah yang mengharukan...
"Puasanya full engga?" kali ini Sasori angkat bicara, dia ga yakin puasanya Sasuke full, sebenernya sih dia pingin pamer soalnya dia kan puasanya full 20 taun ga makan-makan!
hebat kan? oh jelaas dia kan kugutsu..
"Full," jawab Sasuke singkat (lagi).
"Sasuke puasa sahurnya pakai apa? ada yang masakin?" kali ini mpok Konan angkat bicara.
"Tomat," jawab Sasuke lagi-lagi (sok) singkat.
Sumpah deh ya ini Uchiha satu belagu amat deh, hemat banget sama kata-kata!
Kayaknya Haruno Sakura mesti mikir 2 kali sebelum punya niat nikah sama Uchiha Sasuke, lah ntar kalau pas ijab kabul kata-kata Sasuke cuma sampe kata 'SAYA', lah SAYA APAAN? saya bego? saya jelek? saya pantat ayam? ah ga jelas nih Uchiha!
"Masa puasanya full sahurnya makan tomat melulu tiap hari?" kali ini Kichame yang angkat suara.
"Ya," jawab Sasuke singkat.
'Uh ini Uchiha belagunya minta ampun! kaga nyadar apa kalau mbahnya autis' batin para Akatsukis.
"Tigapuluh hari makan tomat melulu? Sasuke ga sakit perut?" tanya Zetsu, dia kan pakar ketanamanan.
"Siapa bilang tigapuluh hari?" kali ini kosakata Sasuke bertambah, agaknya dia habis melahap kamus besar kosa kata rumah tangga.
"Lah terus?" tanya Akatsukis kompak.
"Empat hari," jawab Sasuke stay cool.
"E-empat hari? maksudnya jangan-jangan dalam satu minggu puasanya cuma sehari!" seru Pein.
".." Sasuke stay cool.
"Tadi katanya puasa full sahurnya pake tomat kok cuma empat hari, un?" kali ini Deidara protes.
"Empat hari full dan sahurnya tomat terus" jawab Sasuke still stay cool.
GUBRAAK
Ternyata gengsi Uchiha bener-bener gede ya...
"Sudah-sudah jangan mojokin Otouto terus dong, kasian nih ntar pantat ayamnya makin nungging" ujar Itachi ngebelain adiknya, kaga inget apa dia kalo adiknya ntar bakal ngebunuh dia juga?
"Sudah-sudah tradisi lebaran adalah saling meminta maaf, pertama-tama kita harus meminta maaf pada yang paling tua terlebih dahulu" ujar Kisame bijak.
Kontan setelah mendengar kata-kata mutiarahiu Kisame, para Akatsukis segera menoleh pada satu tujuan satu hati satu jiwa!
Mereka berbaris dan..
"Mbah, maafin Pein ya mbah.. Pein pernah jual topeng mbah buat beli majalah biru yang halamannya warna biru semua itu mbah" ujar Pein sambil menggenggam erat dan sujud pada si mbah.
"Mbah.. maafin Konan ya mbah, Konan pernah hampir ngelipet mbah jadi origami gara-gara mbah pernah pake Sharingan pas ngintip Konan mandi" ujar Konan pada si mbahnya sambil sujud-sujud.
"Mbah maapin Saso ya mbah, soalnya Saso sering ngrepotin mbah ngejagain Hiruko terus tiap hari, sampe-sampe mbah tepar kena ekornya Hiko-Chan trus Saso juga minta maap kaga ngerestuin mbah married sama mbah Chiyo" ampun Sasori pada si mbah sambil sujud ampun.
"Maafin Dei juga ya mbah, soalnya Dei sering ngatain mbah autis, bikin mbah nangis, padahal Dei ga bermaksud buruk mbah.. Dei cuma pingin jujur aja sama mbah" rengek Dei pada mbahnya Akatsuki.
"Maafkan Zeze juga mbah, Zeze pernah nyiram mbah pake pupuk kandang, habis Zeze kira mbah pohon jeruk sih, topengnya itu loh" ujar Zeze sambil nunjuk topeng jeruknya si mbah pake VFT nya.
"Maafkan Kisame mbah, Kisame pernah mukul mbah pake Shamehada gara-gara mbah pernah nyoba nggoreng Keyshame" ujar Kisame memohon ampun.
"Maafkan Hidan juga mbah, Hidan pernah ngebujuk mbah ikut aliran Jashin.. tapi mbah masih minat kan?" bujuk Hidan pada mbah Akatsukis itu.
Mbah, semoga dikau tidak terbujuk aliran sesatnya Hidan..
"Mbah, mana duit kasnya? nunggak banyak nih.. sekalian sangu lebaran ya, mbah kan keluarganya kaya tujuh turunan, jangan bilang mbah turunan kedelapan.." ujar bendahara durhaka Akatsukis, Kakuzu.
"Opa, maafkan Itachi ya.. Itachi banyak salah pada Opa.. Itachi pernah tidak mengakui Opa sebagai Opa kandungnya Ita karena Opa autis, maafkan Ita.." ujar cucu asli sedarah seperjuangan mbah Akatsukis, Itachi-Koi (sok elit banget sih mas, manggilnya opa gitu).
Dengan tatapan mata cengo dan mulut jawdrop dibalik topeng baygon rasa orangenya, mbah Akatsuki merenungi pengakuan dosa-dosa cucu eh anggota organisasi nistanya.
Ternyata, segitu banyaknya dosa yang dilakukan anggota organisasi nista itu padanya ckck susah juga ya kalau punya penyamaran jadi anak autis ditengah-tengah para manusia autis aneh yang berkedok Nuke Nin.
"Ehem," mbah yang bernama lengkap Madara Tobi Uchiha atau Tobi Madara Uchiha bisa juga Uchiha Madara Tobi atau juga Uchiha Tobi Madara ah ribet banget namanya ya lupain deh, mbah Madara mulai angkat bicara,
"Kalian semua.." mbah Mada memotong kalimatnya.
Akatsukis harap-harap cemas, jangan-jangan habis gini dimensi lain bakal penuh diisi organisasi Nuke Nin bernama Akatsuki.
Dari balik topengnya mbah Mada mulai membuka mulut,
"Kalian semua.. HUWAAAAAA SENPAI JAHAT SENPAI JAHAT! SEMUA SENPAI JAHAT! kenapa semua bilang Tobi ini mbah-mbah? TOBI KAN ANAK BAIK BUKAN MBAH BAIK HUWAAAAA" mbah Mada menangis histeris.
Wee si mbah kaga inget umur yee?
"E-eh mbah kan sudah tu-"
"Huwaaaaa" ratapan anak Tobiri kembali menggema di kediaman Uchiha.
"Kau bisa diam tidak," sebuah suara dingin nan menusuk hati terucap dari pantat ayam yang berbicara eh itu suara Sasu-Koi..
Akhirnya setelah mendengar suara merdu Saskey, Tobi diam.
Masa mau nangis lagi? mau dipenggal pake Kusanagi?
"Oke, sekarang Akatsukis mari kita dandan yang rapi ya, kita akan berangkat kunjung-kunjung ke desa Konoha" ujar Pein.
Akatsukis mengangguk dan bersiap untuk berdandan.
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
"Assalamualaikum" seru Akatsukis didepan sebuah rumah bertaman bunga yang sangaat indah, rumah keluarga Yamanaka.
"Waalaikumsalam" sahut suara seorang gadis dari dalam rumah, gadis itu membuka pintu dan tiba-tiba..
"KYAAA~ WAALAIKUMSAYAAANG SASUKE-KUN" teriak gadis itu, Yamanaka Ino.
Yang dipanggil hanya menatap dengan sinis.
"Ayo masuk-masuk," ujar Yamanaka Ino ramah.
Akatsukis masuk kerumah keluarga Yamanaka, dan mereka memulai ritual maaf-maafan.
Yang paling pertama dan paling seru minta maaf adalah tentu saja ZETSU!
"Om Yamanaka, maafkan Zeze om.. Zeze sudah ngerusakin kebun tanaman om, sudah ngajak kawin lari bunga bangkai om, sudah menghamili kantung semarnya om.. maafin Zeze ya om.." ucap Zetsu sambil membungkuk dihadapan om Yamanaka.
Om Yamanaka hanya bisa menangis tersedu-sedu dihadapan Akatsukis, oh demi Jashin! Yamanaka Inoichi menangis!
Sayangnya dia menangis bukan karena mendengar permintaan maaf Zetsu, tapi karena saat Zeze membungkuk tidak sengaja Zeze nyemil jari kakinya Inoichi sampe habis!
ckck dasar kanibal.
Akhirnya setelah tragedi tangisan berdarah, Akatsukis mohon pamit, mereka membungkuk meminta maaf lagi dan berjalan menuju pintu keluar sampai sebuah suara memanggil mereka,
"Tunggu!" panggil Inoichi.
"A-ada apa om? Zeze kan sudah minta ampun, sekarang dia juga rela berkorban jadi Venus Fly Trap langka dagangan om" ujar leader Pein heran.
"Ini, om mau bagi-bagi rejeki.. hari raya kan ga afdol kalau ga ada salam tempel" ucap Inoichi.
Kontan saja Akatsukis matanya jadi ijo semua.
"Ini untuk Sasori, ini untuk Sasuke, ini untuk Itachi, dan ini untuk Dei" ujar Inoichi sambil menyerahkan amplop pada keempat geng nero itu..
"Kenapa cuma em-"
BLAM!
Belum sempat Pein protes, pintu rumah om Inoichi sudah dibanting dengan elitnya.
Dengan perasaan dongkol, Pein dan Akatsukis lain yang tidak kebagian jatah salam berjalan kerumah selanjutnya.
Rumah keluarga Nara.
"Assalamualaikum" seru Akatsukis.
"Waalaikumsalam, cih tamu.. medokusei" jawab suara seorang anak laki-laki dari dalam rumah keluarga Nara.
"Halo," sapa para Akatsukis.
"Ada apa?" tanya anak lelaki satu-satunya keluarga Nara, Shikamaru.
"Kami mau lebaraan" ucap Akatsukis bebarengan.
"Oh, masuklah dan jangan merepotkan," ucap Shikamaru malas-malasan.
Aktasukis pun masuk dan duduk diruang keluarga Nara yang banyak mengandung unsur ke-Nara-an, seperti kepala rusa dimana-mana dan poster filem Open Sesame 1 & 2.
"Siapa itu? silahkan masuk dan duduk, ayo dinikmati makanannya," ujar sebuah suara dari dalam rumah.
Akatsukis pun duduk dan menikmati hidangan ditoples, lumayan kan jajan gratis! soalnya tadi dirumah Uchiha juga ga sempet makan, dasar Uchiha pelit.. dirumah Yamanaka juga ga dikasih makan, malah ninggalin Zeze sebagai jaminan..
"Hati-hati sekarang banyak penipuan, ada kue kalengan bermerek tapi ternyata isinya mengecewakan, penipuan sedang marak beredar terutama saat lebaran seperti ini," bisik Itachi pada Sasuke.
Yang dibisikin cuma cuek ayam, dasar pantat ayam!
"Senpai, ini apa?" tanya Tobi sambil menunjuk sebuah toples bertuliskan 'TENGO'.
"Itu wafer tengo,un.. yang lapisannya sampai ratusan, un" jawab Deidei.
"Wah wafer, Tobi mau!" sorak Tobi sambil membuka toples tengo itu.
SREK
Dan terbukalah toples berwarna cokelat itu, begitu diintip dan diambil isinya..
jreng.. jreng..
"Senpai, umm ini apa ya? rasanya seperti nasi yang dikeringkan dan digoreng" ujar Tobi pada Akatsukis.
Para Akatsukis jawsdrop melihat isi toples wafer tengo itu.
"Oh itu rangginang nak," ujar Yoshino Nara, emaknya Shikamaru.
JEDIENG!
Masa stoples wafer tango isinya rangginang? wah ga beres nih..
"Tuh kan, aku bilang apa? penipuan beredar kan, kalengnya merek terkenal tapi isinya malah rangginang" bisik Itachi pada Sasuke lagi.
"Sepertinya kau pengalaman ya Nii-San? jangan-jangan kau sering melakukannya," jawab Sasuke dingin.
JREP
Hati Itachi bak tertusuk tusukan dango, wah aibnya kebongkar!
Teman-teman sepertinya Itachi benar, sekarang bukannya banyak penipuan macam itu? ada kaleng biskuit engKONG GUA eh isinya malah keripik singkong, ada kaleng biskuit MONDEIdara isinya malah kacang rebus, Itachi ga salah kan?
*pengalaman pribadi author*
Kembali ke Akatsukis.
"Kis, lu yang paling banyak salah sama keluarga Nara.. ayo minta ampun" ujar Kakuz pada Kisame.
Kisame mengangguk dan mulai angkat bicara,
"OM NARA, TANTE NARA, ANAK NARA, CUCU NARA, SAUDARA NARA, TETANGGA NARA.. saya Hoshikagi Kisame dengan ini menyatakan permohonan maaf yang sebesar-besarnya atas segala kesalahan saya selama ini sering mencuri rusa-rusa keluarga Nara untuk makanan Kisami, hiu peliharaan saya, sungguh hal tersebut sebenarnya sangat diluar perikenaraan dan perikehiuan tapi saya terpaksa melakukannya dikarenakan bendahara Akatsuki tidak pernah memberikan saya APBD- Anggaran Pembelian Belanja Daging untuk Kisami.. sekali lagi saya mohon maaf.." ucap Kisame penuh penghayatan (keren boo!).
"Ayang Kicha.." ucap Itachi lirih, dia terharu pada pengakuan tulus Kichame sampe-sampe Sharingannya aktip (duh cegitunya ciih).
"Jadi.." Yoshino Nara mulai angkat bicara,
"Kau yang maling semua rusa-rusa kami? termasuk rusa yang akan diekspor untuk sinterklas?" tanya Yoshi.
Kisame mengangguk pelan.
"Ayah.." panggil Yoshino pada kepala keluarga Nara, Nara Shikaku.
"Ya?" jawab Shikaku dari dalam kamar.
"Apa ayah mendengar kata-kata pengakuan dan maaf dari hiuman ini?" tanya Yoshino pada Shikaku.
"Iya honey, aku dengar dan aku ingin melihat orang itu langsung.." jawab Shikaku sambil membuka pintu kamar.
Semua menatap Shikaku, Kisame terpana asmara, Akatsukis ternganga cinta, Yoshino dimabuk janda, semua terpesona, ceile om Shikaku segitunya ya...
Tapi tiba-tiba pandangan Kichame berubah menjadi horor ketika melihat Shikaku membawa sesuatu yang sangat ditakuti Kicha..
JRENG JRENG
VCD filem JAWS 1-2-3, yang ke 4 sih mau nyusul, tapi Kichame keukeuh gamau jadi bintang utamanya takut dibikin sup!
"A-apa yang kau.." Kichame tidak sanggup melanjutkan kata-katanya, dia shock berat melihat VCD itu, terakhir kali dia nonton Deep Blue Sea dia semaput 7 hari ngeliat temen-temennya dibantai gitu.
Alhasil Kichame pingsan ditempat, dan mau tidak mau tapi sebenernya mau Akatsuki akhirnya meninggalkan Kisame sebagai jaminan dirumah keluarga Nara sebagai ganti rusa-rusa yang hilang..
Sepertinya sebentar lagi akan ada sinetron berjudul 'Hiu Yang Ditukar'.
"Tunggu!" teriak Nara Yoshino pada Akatsukis.
Kontan yang dipanggil berhenti dan harap-harap sangu.
"Ini untuk Sasori, ini untuk Itachi, ini untuk Deidara, ini untuk Sasuke, ini untuk Konan-Chan.. aduh mau ya jadi anak ibu.. dan ini untuk Tobi!" ujar Yoshino sambil menyerahkan angpau pada keenam Akatsukis tadi.
"Terimakasih.." jawab keenam Akatsukis plus Sasuke dengan wajah imut itu bebarengan (duh senengnya dapet angpau).
"Kenapa aku tidak dapat?" tanya bendahara mata duitan, Kakuzu.
"Kalau kau tidak berusaha membunuh anakku di anime Naruto aku akan memikirkan dua kali untuk memberimu angpau!" bentak Yoshino.
BLAM!
Kembali suara indah pintu tertutup dengan keras, Akatsukis yang malang..
Begini nih nasib kalau dapat peran antagonis di filem, bawaannya dibenci melulu padahal mereka kan berbuat itu hanya sebagai tuntutan skenario dan naskah..
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
"Leader, kenapa kita ga dikasih angpau kayak yang lain ya?" tanya Kakuz masih penasaran kenapa dia tidak dapat angpau, padahal tanpa tanya pun jawabannya sudah jelas kan!
"Kau mau tau alasannya?" tanya Pein.
"Tentu saja!" sahut Kakuz mantap.
"Hmm begini ya, karena pada tiap jidat masing-masing Akatsukis ada tulisan tidak nampak tapi sudah bisa dibaca dengan jelas oleh orang awam" ujar Pein.
"Maksudnya?" Kakuz bingung dengan jawaban undentification oleh leader mesumnya itu.
"Kau lihat Tachiko itu?" tanya Pein sambil menunjuk Itachi, Kakuzu mengangguk.
"Biarpun wajahnya keriputan tapi dia berkarisma dan ganteng, yah itu kata-kata fangirlsnya sih.. aku curiga jangan-jangan dia pakai genjutsu untuk mengelabui fangirlsnya soal wajahnya!" ucap Pein dengan nada datar tapi envy bangeet!
"Terus apa hubungannya dengan jidat?" tanya Kakuzu blo'on.
"Kau tidak lihat jidatnya? disitu ada tulisan spidol alam yang bertuliskan 'BUTUH PULSA'. Kau tau pulsa kan? Penamban Ulang Usia Sharingan, yah kau tau kan dia sering banget aktifin Sharingan, jadi dia butuh angpau tuh buat beli pulsa" cerocos Pein.
Kakuzu cengo, tapi dia melanjutkan pertanyaannya,
"Kalau yang lain?" tanya Kakuz masih penasaran.
"Sasori, kau lihat dia?" tanya Pein sambil menunjuk Saso-Koi, Kakuzu mengangguk.
"Haloo Kakuz kemana aja sih lo? masa ga apdet inpo sih dari n!nsert inpestigasi sih? Sasori tuh ya dinobatkan sebagai the most cute Akatsuki member! liat deh wajah babyfacenya yang awet muda itu, nenek-nenek lagi clubbing juga bakal bilang dia itu masih muda dan dibawar umur, apalagi kalau neneknya itu namanya Chiyo!" ujar Pein dengan semangat envynya.
Kakuzu cengo,
"Lalu apa hubungannya dengan jidat?" tanya Kakuz lagi.
"Lu kaga liat Kuz? dijidatnya Sasori itu ada tulisan 'MASIH MUDA', lah kita tulisannya 'SUDAH UZUR'!" seru Pein still envy.
"Terus si Deidara, yaah siapa yang ga ngefens sama bishounen hemaprodit kayak dia eh? lagian apa mau di bom kalau kaga kasih sangu? trus dijidatnya jelas tertulis 'KASIH DUIT ATAU TAMAN LAWANG GUE PINDAH KE RUMAH LO!' yah lu tau kan Kuz, Taman Lawang mau digusur, jadi lekong macem dia pasti cari pangkalan baru!" ujar Pein dengan envy's firenya.
Kakuzu makin cengo, Pein melanjutkan kata-katanya,
"Nah si Tobi ntu, hadaah biarpun umurnya tuwir tapi pan kelakuan dia autis! banyak yang nyangka dia ntu masih muda, banyak yang nyangka juga dia ntu Obito Uchiha yang imut itu, jadi yaa wajar deh kalau banyak juga yang kasih dia angpau, lagian dijidatnya ada tulisan 'ANGPAU ATAU MANGEKYOU' hah sapa juga mau lebaran di dimensi lain? kaga abis-abis ntar waktu lebarannya!" ceramah ustad Pein.
Kakuzu manggut-manggut, ehm sebenernya sih dia lagi manggut dengan pandangan kebawah, sapa tau ada duit jatoh! hah mirip banget dah kelakuannya sama author fic ini!
"Lalu kalau Konan, dia kan perempuan, cantik lagi trus orang-orang banyak yang kasih angpau soalnya dikiranya dia ga kita kasih uang belanja bulanan, jadi ntu pipel-pipel pada kasian sama dia, jidatnya kan ada tulisannya 'JUAL BURUNG KERTAS BUAT MAKAN' gituu.." ujar Pein, Kakuzu masih manggut-manggut, 'kok ga nemu-nemu duit sih?' batinnya.
"Nah ntu Sasuke gimana Leader?" tanya Kakuz dengan nada dingin, dia ga terima masa Sasuke dapet angpau tapi dia ga? padahal dia kan sama gantengnya dengan Sasuke! oh Tuhan ampunilah penyebar fitnah ini..
"Lah Sasuke masih ditanya, ah masa kaga tau? dia itu jelas-jelas famous karena kegantengannya, kalau ada keluarga punya anak cowo ngasih dia angpau supaya bisa ketularan gantengnya, kalau anaknya cewe ah jelas dong biar dilirik sama tuh saskey" cerocos Pein mulai envy dengan kegantengan Sas-uke.
"Terus liat tuh jidatnya ada tulisan "YATIM PIATU" makin menambah nilai jualnya tuh, wajah ganteng dan kisah melas, siapa juga yang ga terharu ngeliatnya?" ujar Pein mulai makin envy tingkat dewa.
Kakuzu pun makin cengo tingkat kurs saham Wall Street.
Begini nih kalau tampang sudah abstrak bak lukisan Piccaso, umur pun sudah uzur!
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
"Hei kalian!" panggil seseorang pada Akatsukis, yang dipanggil langsung noleh dong, plus dengan pose slow motion bak pemain bois bipor plower yang operasi piercingan (keren ya?).
"Ya, ada apa?" tanya Pein sok cool, dia ga mau kalah cool sama Sasuke yang ada disebelahnya.
"Tsunade-Sama mengundang kalian untuk menghadiri acara halal bihalal didepan kantor Hokage dan juga peresmian bangunan baru di Konoha, kalian ditunggu sekarang!" ujar jounin medic nin kepercayaan tante Tsunade, mbak Shizune.
"Masa? terus kami dapat apa?" tanya Kakuz.
"Banyak! ada kue, angpau, bisa lirik-lirik curi pandang cewe cantik, cari jodoh, salaman sama bintang pemain anime Naruto banyak deh, datang yaa?" bujuk Shizune.
Akatsukis pun mengangguk bahagia, terutama Kakuzu yang sudah hoping banget dapet angpau dan tentunya bisa cari jodoh! tau sendiri kan Akatsuki ga laku-laku..
Mana bisa salaman sama bintang anime Naruto lagi, siapa yang ga ngiler?
Wah Akatsukis rendah hati ya? mereka ga pamer kalau mereka juga bintangnya anime Naruto, eh atau mereka memang bego ya?
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
"Wah meriahnyaa..." seru Akatsukis begitu memasuki tempat pesta di depan kantor Hokage.
"Kalian sudah datang Akatsuki?" tanya seorang wanita lebih tepatnya tante atau spesifiknya lagi nenek muda dan dalam makna ambigu artinya nenek-nenek yang awet muda (oke, ruwet) bernama Tsunade, si Godaime Hokage.
"Iya bu guruuu," jawab Akatsuki bebarengan.
"Ayo-ayo masuk nak, nikmati pestanya ya.." ujar tante Tsunade.
"Iyaa!" seru Akatsukis bahagia.
Nah ini nih show timenya Akatsuki di pesta lebarannya Konoha!
Pein & Konan.
"Konan cayang, biar bau a'a mau kok jadi bulu ketek Konan cayang, biar celalu didekap cayang" rayu Pein pada Konan.
"A'a Pein, sekarang kan lagi lebaran, kalau a'a Pein jadi ketupat, neng Konan ikhlas kok jadi sayurnya biar disiramin ke a'a Pein" balas Konan.
Ya Tuhan! muda-mudi sakit jiwa merajalela...
Hidan & Sasuke.
"Anjing! tuh cewe cantik banget! namanya sapa ya? gue pingin kenalan..." ujar Hidan ketika melirik seorang cewe cantik berambut merah.
".." Sasuke keep silent, telinganya terlalu suci untuk mendengarkan kebun binatang Hidan dan mulutnya terlalu seksi untuk mengeluarkan binatang seperti Aburame Shino (?).
"Hai cewe! kamu cantik.." ucap Hidan ketika cewe itu semakin dekat kearah mereka.
"Hai," jawab si cewe acuh.
"Namamu siapa cantik?" tanya Hidan pada cewe merah itu.
"Sasuke-Kun.." panggil cewe itu pada Sasuke.
"Cih, kenapa Uchiha babi itu yang dipanggil.." lirih Hidan.
JEDUAAARR
Kirin Sasuke menyambar Hidan, oh bukan! itu mah bunyi kembang api yang dinyalakan Naruto.
"Enyah kau Karin!" jawab Sasuke dingin.
JEDUAAARR
Wah kembang api lagi nih! baguusnyaa- eh bukan! itu bukan kembang api tapi bunyi hati Karin dan Hidan yang sama-sama meledak akibat tuan muda Uchiha itu.
Oh Tuhan! kenapa semua Uchiha hobi mematahkan hati perempuan dan laki-laki?
Kakuzu & Deidara.
"Dei mau cari ketupat dulu, un" ujar Deidara pada Kakuz.
"Buat apa?" tanya Kakuz.
"Buat di copy, un.. Dei pingin bikin bom bentuk ketupat, un.. bosen bentuk bom buku atau burung un, kan kalau lebaran isi parsel bentuknya ketupat un.. jadi nanti Dei bikin parsel ketupat C4 un!" jelas Deidara.
"Tunggu!" sahut Kakuz.
"Ada apa sih, un? mau nitip? bayar sendiri ya, un!" ujar Deidara pada Kakuz.
Kakuzu geleng kepala dan mulai angkat bicara,
"Deidara, walaupun kau adalah bishounen dan uangku lebih cantik daripada kau tapi.. AISHITERU DEI!" teriak Kakuzu pada Dei.
Ya ampun boo' ternyata selain mata duitan Kakuzu juga mata bishounenan!
Eh liat deh, Deidara BLUSHING!
Kita tunggu jawaban Dei yuk,
"Ka-kakuzu, un.." Dei tergagap, dia bingung mau jawab apa, ah Dei kalau gagap pindah klan aja jadi Hyuuga!
"Ya, Dei?" sahut Kakuzu (berusaha) selembut mungkin.
"Ka..kuzu.. KATSUUU, un!"
Ya Tuhan! Deidara meledakkan cintanya Kakuzu!
Kisame & Zetsu.
Ah Kichame jadi pajangan di aquarium raksasa di stand 'Cara Memasak Sayur Hiu Yang Baik' milik keluarga Nara dan Zetsu jadi tanaman VFT pajangan di stand 'Seminar Membuat Ketupat Yang Baik' oleh keluarga Yamanaka.
Ya Tuhan! mereka mengorbankan dirinya demi Akatsuki, sungguh mulia!
Tobi & Sasori.
"Tobi, mau main apa?" tanya Sasori pada Tobi.
"Tobi pingin beli ketupat Sayur, senpai" jawab Tobi.
"Ketupat sayur? sebentar ya ayo kita beli di warung Ichiraku" ujar Sasori.
What? Ichiraku jual ketupat sayur? ah namanya juga fanfic, boleh dong nambah menu XD
Akhirnya dengan Hiruko yang terseret-seret dan Tobi yang berteriak 'anak baik' mereka sampai dengan sentausa, aman, bahagia dan sejahtera di Ichiraku.
"Mau pesan apa?" tanya uda Teuchi ramah.
"Ketupat sayur dua porsi," ujar Hiko eh Sasori.
"Tobi mau ekstra bawang, senpai.." rengek Tobi.
"Ekstra bawang.. uda Teuchi! Umm aahh aku gerah.." ujar Sasori sambil melepaskan pelukan bang Hiruko dari tubuh indahnya.
(senengnya jadi Hiruko, bisa mendekap Sasori terus T.T)
SWIING
Buntutnya Hiko-Chan menyabet kesana kemari ketika Sasori bergerak kekanan dan kekiri.
SWIING
Satu korban sekarat, dua tewas seketika, lima luka berat dan sepuluh luka ringan, breaking news kecelakaan di Kirigakure- #jeduak ga nyambung.
Buntut Hiko-Chan menyambar apapun yang ada didekat Ichiraku, beruntung Sasori sedang insyaf selama lebaran jadi buntutnya Hiko-Chan ga ada racunnya.
Tapi.. kenapa tuh mpok Ayame anaknya uda Teuchi kok pingsan ditempat? apa dia kena racunnya Hiruko?
Ya Tuhan! mpok Ayame kesengsem ngeliat wajah imutnya Sasori! dasar Sasori memang rajanya racun dunia!
AKATSUKI-NYA PULANG MUDIK
"Perhatian.. perhatian.." seru sebuah suara dari tengah-tengah pesta lebarannya Konoha, wah suara seksi tante Godaime ternyata!
"Hari ini adalah hari lebaran, hari penuh kemenangan, aku sebagai Hokage Konoha tentu saja mengharapkan kita bisa saling memaafkan dan mengampuni dosa masing-masing. Hari ini juga aku ucapkan selamat datang pada Akatsuki yang rela dan sudi mampir mudik pulang ke Konoha, selamaat dataaang" teriak Tsunade.
Akatsuki mulai menunjukkan pesonanya,
CLING
Bunyi cling dari piercing yang dapat mengalahkan CLING guru Gai dan Rock Lee muncul dari balik kerumunan rakyat Konoha.
Pein Nagato (atau Yahiko ya? ah sama aja!) maju kedepan panggung menuju nenek eh tante Tsunade.
"Hai.." sapa Pein.
KRIK KRIK KRIK
Serangga Aburame Shino kelaparan (?).
Tsunade mulai membuka mulutnya,
"Ah jangan dipedulikan suara jangkrik itu, nah sekarang saya mewakili seluruh Shinobi Konoha mengucapkan mohon maaf lahir dan batin atas segala kesalahan yang pernah dilakukan Shinobi kami dalam rangka tuntutan naskah dan skenario di anime Naruto yang mengharuskan kami melukai, mencabik, mengiris, melempar kunai dan suriken, dan bahkan membunuh kalian anggota Akatsuki.." ujar Tsunade dengan semangat.
"Kami mengikhlaskan semuanya, namanya juga tuntutan akting.." CLING, ujar Pein sambil menCLINGkan piercing terbaiknya.
"Nah, untuk menebus dosa pada Akatsuki hari ini kami meminta Akatsuki menjadi saksi pemotongan pita dalam pembukaan sebuah bangunan sarana umum terbaru di Konoha, yakni POM BENSIN PERTAMINATO yang baru dibangun demi mewujudkan kelancaran pemudik yang kehabisan bahan bakar.." teriak Tsunade penuh semangat.
Setelah Tsunade mengucapkan kalimat terakhirnya, tiba-tiba dari samping panggung ada sebuah kain besar yang jatuh kebawah dan menampakkan sebuah pom bensin baru 'Pertaminato'.
Pein sumringah, ini pertama kalinya dalam seumur hidupnya mulai dari orok sampe punya tubuh enam, mulai dari dia ga punya piercing sampe dia punya piercing, dia diminta untuk memotong pita pembukaan sesuatu, terakhir pita yang dia potong adalah pita segitiga berenda yang bertujuan untuk membuka kegadisan Konan (oh Jashin, tolong jangan rate M!).
Pein mulai berjalan mendekati pita itu dengan membawa Shamehada, biar lebih keren katanya..
Disisi lain panggung, Itachi yang sedang menikmati pesta lebarannya kali ini..
"Permisi, kau Uchiha Itachi kan?" tanya seseorang dibelakang Itachi.
Itachi menoleh,
"Ya," jawabnya.
"Bisa minta tolong?" tanya orang itu.
"Tolong apa, Asuma?" tanya Itachi pada orang itu yang ternyata adalah Asuma Sarutobi, wah ternyata reunian episode Naruto nih!
"Bisa minta tolong nyalakan rokokku ini?" tanya Asuma.
Itachi mengernyitkan dahinya, dia kan bukan perokok.. kok disuruh nyalain rokok? (aih, Itachi calon suami idaman XD ).
"Aduh Itachi.. kan kau bisa pakai elemen apimu itu untuk menyalakan rokokku ini, ayolah kumohon.." rengek Asuma.
Itachi bingung masa jurus apinya yang sangat elit itu dibuat menyalakan rokok? tapi toh Asuma juga kan teman lama..
Dia mulai membuat segel jutsu dan sejurus kemudian..
"Katon- Goukakyu no Jutsu!" teriak Itachi.
BLUURRR
Menyemburlah bola api dari mulut Uchiha sulung yang kece itu.
BLAM JEDUAR DUAR BUAR SUAR WUAR
Bunyi ledakan memekakkan telinga Itachi membuatnya bingung, didapatinya Asuma gosong tapi rokoknya menyala.. Uchiha satu ini makin confused..
"UCHIHAAA ITAAACHIIIII krincing krincing" teriak sebuah suara yang sangat dikenal Itachi plus bunyi krincingan piercing berjatuhan.
Oke kita replay!
Begini ceritanya.. ketika Itachi menggunakan Goukakyu-nya, a'a Pein sedang akan hendak 1cm lagi memotong pita peresmian pom bensin 'Pertaminato' itu dengan Shamehada, tapi tiba-tiba ada semburan api yang sangat besar dan menyambar pom 'Pertaminato' itu sehingga timbullah ledakan dahsyat yang didengar Itachi plus bunyi krincingan piercing yang merdu tadi..
waduh! Uchiha yang satu ini bakal kena masalah deh, ckck kau jenius nak tapi saking jeniusnya kau mungkin sampai-sampai otakmu hangus terkena jurus apimu sendiri..
"UCHIHA ITACHI! mulai saat ini jangan pernah kembali mudik ke Konoha! kau adalah Nuke Nin paling dicari dan harus bertanggung jawab atas semua ini!" bentak Tsunade pada Itachi.
Itachi gugup dan nervous, Sharingannya malah aktif..
'nih Godaime Hokage sekseh bener, kaga kuat iman saya' batin Itachi.
Tsunade makin mendekati Itachi dan akan hendak sampai menangkap Tachiko, tiba-tiba..
SIINGGG
"Loh kemana semuanya? kok Ita ditinggal sendirian?" ucap Uchiha Itachi sambil celingukan karena tiba-tiba seluruh isi desa Konoha MENGHILANG!
Sementara itu..
"Tunggu 72 jam dan kita akan bebas," kata seorang Shinobi Konoha bermasker, siapa lagi dong kalau bukan suaminya author, Hatake Kakashi hahaha #PLAK.
"Jadi kita harus tunggu 3 hari, un? huh karena ini aku benci Uchiha, un" ujar bishounen blonde.
"Baka aniki, dendamku padamu akan semakin besar Itachong!" serapah Uchiha 'ganteng' Sasuke.
"Awas kau Uchiha, akan kubuat kau membayar kas dobel!" serapah Pein dan Kakuzu bebarengan, ih wow tumben kompak?
"Tobi anak baik, Tobi ga berani keluarin kalian, nanti Tobi di amaterasu Itachi-Senpai" ujar Tobi ketika dia didesak supaya mengeluarkan warga Konoha yang terjebak jutsunya Tachiko.
"Sudah-sudah daripada kita bertengkar di dimensi lain ini, bagaimana kalau kita lebaran di dimensi ini saja? sekalian kita ucapkan selamat lebaran bagi para readers?" ujar seorang pria tampan dengan senyum menawan berambut kuning dengan mata biru sebiru The Heart Of The Ocean-nya Kate Winslet di Titanic, Minato Namikaze (kyaaaa~ PAPA!).
"Tapi kalau lebarannya di dimensi ini berarti lamanya 72 jam, un!" teriak Deidara.
"Oke-oke sudah jangan bertengkar para chara dalam fic ku, aku sebagai author ikutan gabung ya.." *bawa-bawa kamera SLR + deket-deket ke Kakashi*.
All chara + author :
"Kami segenap kru Akatsuki-nya Pulang Mudik mengucapkan SELAMAT HARI RAYA IDUL FITRI 1 SYAWAL 1432 HIJRIYAH MINAL AIDZIN WAL FAIDZIN MOHON MAAF LAHIR DAN BATIN"
"Satu lagi, review yaaa, un!"
BERSAMBUNG
oh tidak! ini hanya oneshoot..
(: OWARI :)
Yosh! selesai juga fic aneh, abal nan gaje ini.
Asik asik ratenya T dan genrenya humor parody, jadi semua ga dosa kalau baca wakakaka
#trauma dengan rate M yang nambah dosa #PLAK!
Radna ini nakal banget ya fic yg lain masih kena TBC eh berani-beraninya bikin fic lain =,= habisnya radna pingin bikin oneshoot humor, kangen bikin humor haha XD
fic ini juga radna bikin dalam rangka menyambut hari raya idul fitri :D
(maaf ucapan selamat lebarannya telat, ralat! SANGAT TELAT! radna mudik, dan didesa ga ada warnet T.T)
Umm radna juga mohon maaf ya apabila fic nya aneh dan ga lucu :(
Awal dan endingnya ga nyambung dan garing abis apalagi endingnya parah, maafkan dakuuu ToT
Umm radna tau banyak fic yg mengangkat tema yg sama dengan fic radna ini, tapi perbedaan fic radna ini adalah penuangan dari inspirasi pengalaman radna selama perjalanan dan perjuangan mudik dan kunjung-kunjung :D
seperti : dialog Itachi ke Sasuke tentang penipuan kue kaleng itu juga dialog temen radna ke radna, pas radna buka kaleng kuenya JELEGERR isinya beneran rangginang! haha konyol ^o^
terus yang dialog Sasuke sahur pake apa itu juga radna tanyain ke saudara radna, habis bingung soalnya kulkasnya kosong isinya cuma tomat lebih dari 7kilo! jangan-jangan dia kembarannya Sasu-Koi..
dia juga bilang puasa full (4 hari) dan sahurnya memang pake tomat! haha konyol deeh XP
juga tentang jidat-jidat itu, kata temen radna, dijidat radna ada tulisan 'BUTUH PULSA' jadi para budiman yg baik hati itu mau ngasih angpau lebaran, yg ga ngasih? pasti kebaca tulisan 'PERNAH MUDA, DULU!' haha lebaran yang gila XD
Oh iya CONGRATULATION ya buat Uchiha Sasuke yang punya SHARINGAN BARU! *TELAT!* (mau istri baru ga? radna single, Sas! XD )
wah Sasuke bolak-balik ganti bola mata, operasinya dimana? apa ga mahal tuh? dasar Uchiha BOROS!
*CHIDORI NAGASHIII !*
Terimakasih untuk senpai-senpai dan teman-teman readers sekalian sudah membaca semua fic radna sebelumnya, bahkan sampai meninggalkan review, terimakasih banyak yaa :D