A Love Lost

Author: heatqueen

Summary: WARNING!!! CHAPTER 330 SPOILERS!!! Just a fic on Asuma’s death, how everyone feels, especially Kurenai, and yeah…

A/N: I don’t own Naruto! –weep- Wish I did. But I don’t. So DON’T FLAME ME!!! Also, there’s not much dialogue, but detail’s a lot more important, so there you go…

A Love Lost

A certain chuunin spoke with another certain female jounin, relaying the devastating news. In a few mere seconds, the jounin’s life would be changed forever. The look on her face was already strained as she anticipated something bad.

Kurenai dropped to her knees, shaking, trying to fight the will to cry, but it was too much, even for someone as tough as her. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she mourned for her loved one, despairing that she’d never had the chance to say one more time that she loved him, wishing that she’d been there to say goodbye properly before he left on that life-snatching mission. The chuunin wrapped one arm around her and she cried into his chest. Shikamaru wasn’t particularly good at situations like this, but he, too, was affected by this event, for Sarutobi Asuma had been his sensei, just as he’d been Kurenai’s lover, so he understood what she was going through.

It’s hard to say how long they were like this for, but when her tears had finally dried up, they stood up and decided that they’d best go – after all, sitting by the gate crying must indeed look rather awkward. Kurenai’s face was now completely expressionless – she was most likely too shocked to be able to relay any kind of emotion. Deep down below the surface, however, she felt a pain in her heart so intense that all she wanted to do was curl up and die. The one she loved was…the words were unthinkable.

As they walked they came across a young genin coming up to them, teary-eyed – it was Konohamaru. He ran up to Kurenai, threw his arms around her and wept into her shoulder. She hugged him tightly, another tear sliding down her cheek. Few words were spoken, for they were not required to convey how they felt. Shikamaru, meanwhile, leaned against a tree, one leg crossed over the other, staring into space, thinking about his former sensei.

In the light of this event, there would be no work done today. How could there be when so many were in grieving? Therefore, the three ninjas decided to wander around Konoha. They couldn’t help but reflect on their memories of Asuma, and their walk was rather poignant. None of them felt up to anything much, even eating – they just walked…and talked of the deceased man.

Kurenai had thought that, after the first time, she’d done pretty well in keeping her tears to herself; however, when one is in grieving, they could burst forth at any time. This happened to Kurenai when she most certainly not expecting it – she hadn’t particularly felt like crying, and suddenly, seconds later, she was in tears once again. She couldn’t help but think that life was unfair, and that of course fate would be cruel enough to take away the one person Kurenai loved with all her heart. The usually tough Kurenai was crying – that was a big thing for her.

The three ninja were about to part ways when they saw the godaime hokage coming up the other way, looking as sad as everyone else. She looked from Kurenai, who had ceased weeping, to Konohamaru, who was clinging onto Kurenai’s arm, to Shikamaru, still looking as far-off as ever, then back to Kurenai, locking eyes with her in a way which said ‘I’m sorry’. Kurenai’s lips tried to smile at her, but how can one smile at such a miserable occasion?

“I know he was important to you,” said Tsunade, a statement at which Kurenai nodded. Then Tsunade embraced her and they hugged each other tightly. After that, the party of now four ninja finally did part, and Kurenai went her own way, making to go back home.

Yet home wasn’t where she lived – home was with her dear Asuma, the one man fate had been unkind enough to take away. As long as she could not be with Asuma, she knew that she would never be home. She found that even the slightest things were reminding her of him – the chimneys on peoples’ homes stood for his smoking habits; the uniforms that the jounins wore reminded her of his clothes; even certain smells reminded her of all the times she used to curl up in his arms comfortably, as he rocked her gently. He was always the one she’d turned to whenever she was upset, and he was always there to comfort her. But this time there was no one to comfort her…her saviour was gone…

For one fleeting moment she wanted to grab a knife and end everything; however, she knew that this was not what Asuma would want, so she refrained. She knew that it would hurt him to see her stooping this low just to be with him. She knew that it would be a painful journey from here on without him, but that she must suffer through this anguish in order for the pain to ease. Eventually she would come to terms with the fact that he was dead, and would be able to live contently knowing that they’d made many happy memories together, and that they’d eventually be reunited once she, too, was gone.

When evening came she lay outside in her garden and stared up at the stars. She imagined one of those stars being the spirit of her lover, and picked out an especially bright one to symbolize this. She imagined that once she was gone there would be two stars there – one each for Asuma and Kurenai – and that, once Kurenai had joined him, they would continue their journey to heaven and beyond together.

But it was such a long way away…

She could feel the waterworks starting up once again and tried to fight the sensation. After all, it would not be good if a stray genin walked past her house and saw her lying in her garden crying, would it? She knew that, in her situation, she wasn’t in the wrong, but still…she was used to being the tough one and didn’t particularly want things to change. She hastily wiped away the one tear that managed to leak through her eyelids and looked at the extra-bright star. Asuma wouldn’t want her to cry. He’d want her to go on and be happy.

But it was too painful…

She knew that, right now, of course she couldn’t be happy; however, in the future, she was sure she could be. She just needed to make it through the most painful, heart-rendering part of the event, then gradually make it back to the point where she could see things in a more positive light. It would take time, of course, but Kurenai knew that she had no choice but to wait.

---

Naturally, the funeral was very painful. Afterwards, she stayed behind to lay flowers on his grave, and allowed herself to weep a little more. It saddened her to think that the body of her loved one was now condemned to being caged in this box, but his spirit would never be caged – ever – it would, of course, fly free to Heaven. She wanted to force the lid of the coffin, which had been nailed tightly shut, open and steal his body. She wanted to hug it and kiss it once again, as though her dear Asuma was still alive. She was heartbroken that never again would she be able to hug him, or feel his lips upon her own. She practically fell onto the coffin and broke down.

She hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday’s breakfast, nor did she particularly want to. Some other chuunins and jounins attempted to make her eat, but she refused point blank. She knew that they were trying to help, and that some of them were almost as upset as she, but none of them could really understand…she’d loved Asuma more than any of them… Of course, she wasn’t planning on letting herself go anorexic – come on, would she ever do something that stupid? No. She would eventually eat once again, even though she would no longer be able to eat with Asuma.

All the things she now had to do without him…

There was a question which was bothering her. Would she ever love anyone as much as she’d loved Asuma? At the moment, definitely not – after all, when someone dies, you don’t automatically stop loving them. Actually, Kurenai doubted that she’d ever stop loving him, for their last moments together had been good ones. In the future, however, Kurenai was unsure. Would someone else come along? Someone with whom she could share the same experiences she had with Asuma? Right now she hoped that she’d never fall in love again, for the pains of doing so were too terrible. However, she knew that she could well change her mind one day, once her mind was feeling a little clearer and she became more rational in her decision-making.

Still, she knew that things would never be the same again. Not without her Asuma. With him gone…would she ever be truly happy ever again? My happiness is all he cared about, she thought. He’d want me to move on. This did not mean that she’d forget about him, for he’d always be in her heart, but Asuma’s death was just one major obstacle that Kurenai had to break through in order for her path in life to become clear. She’d still love him, yes, but there were many things to appreciate in life, and those included all the friends she had to help her through the situation.

Maybe one day she’d be happy once again.

Kurenai’s Lament
A/N: A poem to go with the one-shot.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Only the poem.

The words were poison daggers,
They sliced not flesh but spirit,
They burned my heart and tore my soul:
No longer did I will to live.

He tried to be tender when he told me,
But that did not stop the agony
Of news so wretched it shattered me.
I broke down in tears.

I was sliced, torn in two.
My every motive was destroyed –
No reason had I to live
Now that he was gone.

He…my lover.
My heart was ablaze with cold fire,
Time was frozen with anguish:
It would not turn back…not for me.

Never will I be the same again,
I am a puzzle with a missing piece,
A hole which will never be filled.
This void will mar me forever.