Advertising by :


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Who murdered Orochimaru?

Sell Buy Text Links And Get Paid through PayPal

This is a simple Akatsuki crack-fic everyone. I just noticed that I have only written about angst so this is my attempt to loosen up a bit and write some humor, I dont know if it's good or it sucks but I had a hell lot of fun writting it xD It got me relaxing from all my school work.

Disclaimer: I dont own anything that got to do with Naruto, if I did the Akatsuki would still be alive!

Summary: One night, one meeting, one murder. Orochimaru is mysteriously killed during Pein's Akastuki meeting. Detective Tobi has taken the case in his own hands so the gulity murder would be caught. But what if everyone wished to kill Orochimaru to begin with? This may not be so easy as Tobi thought...Akatsuki crack, rated T for Swearing and Tobi-cuteness!

- Who murdered Orochimaru?!-

It all started on a night like this, the time was eight a clock...-ish. Pein- sama invited everyone of his followers to his monthly meeting, Tobi included. Tobi don’t actually see the point though, nothing fun happens on this kind of meetings anyway. No games, no candy, no pillow fights…

Well back to the story. We were all gathered in the Pein-sama’s ultra super gigantic living room, with him sitting comfortable in his soft armchair by the fireplace looking at everyone in the room with his intense glare, holding a glass of wine in his one hand. Tobi felt like he could wet his pants watching him, too bad Tobi left his absorbing underwear back home. You might not know who Tobi is, Tobi is a good boy who don’t exactly work for a for a “nice” organization.

Tobi looked around the room behind Tobi's orange-swirled mask at his fellow colleagues, dressed in the official black suit with the Akatsuki cloud patched on the chest wallet. Let’s start with some introductions shall we. The ginger-haired man with many scaring piercing’s and totally weird looking eyes is Pein, his name is unknown to others but people don’t seem to mind in fear of knowing how he got that nickname. He's the eight generation of the famous yakuza clan, Fuuma and the boss of the Akatsuki, a successful underground drug company.

"Welcome to our weekly meeting, I'm glad everyone could make it today as always. If not I might have presumed you were all dead" Pein joked, everybody gave a false laughter. Tobi just kept quite, he didn’t get the joke.

"Konan,deal out the papers please”

"Hai, Pein-sama" Konan responded as she handed out a bunch of papers to each member.

The woman is Konan- chan, Pein’s personal maid and assistant. How personal they are Tobi don’t want to know, Tobi bet Pein got a lot of girl cooties by the way of it. She wore her cute, but dark Gothic-maid-dress, dark make up, dark shoes… pretty much everything about her is dark except her blue hair. She is almost always quiet and barely makes any facial expression, so it’s hard playing poker with her. She can be quite nice when she’s not in a bad mood. She gave Tobi a really nasty papercut once, Tobi shivers at the thought.

" As you can see it's our progress of our marketing the last month. Zetsu, give us the update of the latest goods. "

" Hai leader-sama, the cocaine and heroin are still in a good condition after the transportation from the Earth country, but the weed from the Grass Country got slightly damaged on the way because of a certain moron said it was bad for grass and used "anti-weed" poison on it." Zetsu glared.

“Tobi said he’s sorry” Tobi sulked in the corner growing mushrooms.

The bi-polar is Zetsu-san. He's one of Tobi's best friends since he's not so mean too Tobi, not nice but less mean. He has even threaten to eat Tobi once( for your information he has been earlier convicted for cannibalism). He has green colored hair, yellow shiny eyes and two different colored skin, one black and the other one white. He also got a split personality, were the dark voice is mean while the light voice is nice. Zetsu-san as the responsibility over the drug transportation, and has great knowledge about any kind of drug and herbs.

"It’s the same what kind of quality it is, people pay just as good money for any crap we sell" a tall blue haired man scoffed.

Next up is Hoshigaki, Kisame. He looks like a fish with his dark eyes and gill tattoos, even his skin is blue! He works as Pein's bodyguard. Tobi don’t know him so well, but he jokes, fights and drinks a lot of sake. He's not so mean to Tobi either, but he did bite Tobi's leg once when he was drunk thinking Tobi was a dancing sugar filled lollipop man who could grant him wishes if he ate him(?!). Disturbing isn't it? Tobi got a nasty scar from the incident. When people ask what the mark on Tobi’s leg is, Tobi tells them it's a shark bite.

" Kisame, don’t speak out of turn." Itachi scolded Kisame, he turned to Pein and bowed humbly ” I deeply apologize for Kisame-sans unnecessary statement Leader-sama"

"Itachi your sometimes to polite for your own good" Kisame chuckled.

The one by Kisame-sans side is Uchiha, Itachi, Pein-sama's personal doctor and Tobi's cousin! He got long silk like black hair like the one's in a beauty commercial Tobi doesn't remember, what was the saying" because your worth it"?. Like Tobi he got red eyes that seems like the pupils swirls when he’s angry. He is also very intelligent and calm, and doesn't seem to like to talk to anyone here except for Kisame-san.

" I except the apologize Itachi-san, it's good someone hasn't forgot their manners here" Pein smirked.

" Drug still has it's effect despite its lack in quality, it will have a effect that will not last forever but will always leave a unforgettable moment. Just the way true art should be un.”

Then there's DEIDARA-SEMPAI! ONE OF PEIN’S TOP HENCHMAN, BOMBING EXPERT/MANIAC AND TOBI'S BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! Deidara has long blond hair that cowers his blue eye and has the rest in a high ponytail. When Tobi saw him for the first time, Tobi thought he was a girl and asked him why he wasn’t wearing a cute dress like Konan-chan. It was the first time Deidara tried killing Tobi, and the first of many *sights dreamy*. He threatens to kill Tobi all the time because Tobi's "annoying" and not "cool" enough to be in the Akatsuki. But Tobi knows they are just empty words, if not Tobi would have died a long time ago^^

"I can't believe you are even comparing drugs with art, you even got the whole beauty of art concept wrong. True art is meant to last forever, not to wither away in a instant"

The one leaning against the wall beside Deidara Sempai is Sasori-san, one of Pein-sama's henchman and poison expert. He got short red hair and brown eyes that can stare right through you. He's Deidara-sempai's partner and has a weird fascination with dolls. (*Sasori glares at Tobi*) -PUPPETS! TOBI MEANS PUPPETS!!! (*Sasori stops glaring*) Can he read Tobi's mind?( *Sasori glares back at Tobi again*) GOMENASAI! FORGET WHAT TOBI SAID!(*Sasori stops glaring*) Tobi sweatdropped.

Deidara scowled. " Your the one who is wrong Sasori-danna un, art is supposed to be a blast. Instead of looking on some shitty statues withering away in a slow process it's better to cause it right away to make it unforgettable un! Art is after all a bang!" Deidara exclaimed, Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Please, what kind of a idiotic low life form would ever like your poor excuse called art?"

"Tobi likes it! Tobi likes your weird looking art Deidara-sempai! Tobi don’t even care that you're rip-off(1)!

"I rest my case" Sasori smirked at Deidara with his arms crossed in victory. Deidara fumed in anger.


" Geez, why do you have to PMS every freaking meeting you fucking she-male"

The one with the rude comment was Hidan-san, one of Pein's assassin, weapon expert and a faithful Jashinist. He got silver *cough* white *cough* hair and pink eyes. He got a real potty mouth, he probably got to wash it a lot after all those naughty words he uses. The only things Tobi knows about him is that he love violence and argue with Kakuzu-san all the time. It's times where he actually tries to sacrifice Tobi to Jashin. To put it this way, he scares Tobi...ALOT

" Your the one to talk dick-head! Don’t tell me you never get annoyed by Tobi's childish nonsense un" Deidara sneered.

" Shut up both of you, your giving me a headache. If your gonna talk about something important, let it be money" Kakuzu rudely interrupted.

Kakuzu-san, Pein’s private economic/ assassin and has a side job as a bounty hunter. Kakuzu-san wears a strange mask that cowers his entire face except for his mysteriously glowing gooey green eyes. Everything he can think about is MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, what's best, cash or credit? THEN AGAIN MONEY.

"Tsk, god damn money-whore" Hidan grumbled.

"Leader-ssssama let usss continue the meeting sssshall we?" a pale man hissed.

The last member is a creepy snake looking guy called Orochimaru, he is…-why does he work for Pein-sama again? Tobi heard from Itachi-san that he touches little boys, maybe he also is some kind of doctor perhaps, for what else reason would he do that.

" Yes, of course Orochimaru. The dealings in Sound is good as I expect, correct?"

"It couldn't been any better" Orochimaru smirked.

A lightning stroked outside the window, and suddenly every light in the living room disappeared, "Holy Shit! Who turned off the mother fucking lights!" Hidan yelled.

More thunder was heard from the outside, soon followed by the sound of something heavy falling onto the floor and along with a high pitched scream.

"Konan stop screaming already" Pein ordered.

"It’s not me that is screaming Pein-sama" Konan claimed in a calm voice.

"Then who the hell is it?"- Kakuzu asked confused.

The light flahed back on and everyone stared at Deidara who stopped screaming, noticing everybody was looking at him with wide eyes.

"Hehe now we got an other reason to doubt your gender, Deidara-chan" Kisame teased with a toothy grin.

"Shut up fish stick un! Or I’ll make a god damn sushi out of you!" Deidara threatened with a raised fist, trying to punch Kisame in the face, but Sasori held him back by the neck of his jacket . The fight was soon interrupted by another scream, by a real female this time.

"AAAAAHHHH!!!Oh my God!" (2) Konan screamed terrified.

"Yes? what is it?" Pein anwered smootly.

"Someone killed Orochimaru!"- Konan pointed at the newly murdered body of Orochimaru, lying in the pool of his own blood on the floor.

"WHAT! That bastard! I wanted to kill him-" Hidan took out a hidden knife from his jacket and threw it frustrated in the wall. Among strangers that behavior might have frightened them, but for the rest of us…naaahh.

Everyone turned their attention from Hidan back at Pein, "This is truly shocking, but we all know there is only one thing to do..."

Pein reached out and leaded his hand under the table and pushed a hidden button beneath it. Suddenly a disco bowl appeared out of nowhere and it stared to play the disco song,” Freak out" with every member dancing. Tobi sweatdropped, When did Pein-sama install a hidden disco bowl?

The music stopped, and the disco bowl mysteriously disappeared at the same time. Everybody were silent and want back to their last position, pretending the incident never happened. Pein sat back in his comfortable chair, "I have been waiting long to use that button. Ok, back to business let’s -"

"Wait! Tobi can’t just simply ignore a crime like this! It’s not justice to let a case like this pass by!"

"When did justice have something importance among a group consisting of S-class criminals?" Sasori asked puzzled.

"Since Tobi got this cool detective hat!” Tobi said putting on a awesome Sherlock Holmes hat that Tobi bought on e-bay.

"Good for you Tobi.” Pein said sarcastically.” Guys lets go back to business"

"NO! TOBI WILL FIND THE MURDER OF OROCHIMARU! IF NOT, TOBI WONT EVER EAT A SINGLE LOLLIPOP AGAIN DATTEBAYO!" -Inner Tobi: Nooo What have Tobi done! Tobi cant live without candy! Now Tobi must really find his murder or Tobi’s gonna die of sugar- starvation pretty soon!


Somewhere else at the same time, but not the same place.

Naruto sneezed," ACHOOO! My dattebayo-feeling is tingling! Someone’s using my catchphrase!" he yelled angry

Back to what is really important( and anime doesn't count!)


BAKA! LISTEN TO LEADER SAMA OR YOU'LL FUCKING GET A DEATH PENALTY BY SUFFOCATION UN- Deidara snapped with a animevein on the back of his head.

"TOBI REFUSE TO BACK DOWN! NOW TOBI IS MORE DETERMINED THEN EVER!" Tobi said drooling at the thought of all the candy back home.

"Tobi, is this really necessary? No one is gonna really miss that creep anyway. I still don’t understand why I haven’t even fired him yet. " Pein stated in annoyance over Tobi’s childishness. “why does he do here again?” Pein thought.

"Leader-sama, Tobi got to do this or Tobi wont ever get to taste a lollipop again! Tobi also gives you a pinky promise he wont ever bother you on your meeting ever again!" Tobi promised holding out his pinky. Pein-sama kept quite until he sighted out loud, and entangled his pinky with Tobi’s.

"Very well, I Pein-sama hereby gives you the permeation to investigate the murder of Orochimaru."

" YATTA!!!" Tobi squealed, jumping up and down in joy

" Are you sure this is the best thing to do?" Konan asked Pein doubtfully in a low voice. "Who would ever let a grown man with a with the brain capacity of a sugar high five year old to solve a murder" Konan thought skeptical.

"Trust me Konan, I think I'm already too far a head to become more insane then I already am"

Konan gazed over at Tobi again who continued to jump everywhere while the other members watched him with either annoyance or amusement, mostly annoyance. She sweatdropped, "Point taken, sir".

"Tobi better get started, Itachi-kun please tell Tobi about the victims cause of death" Tobi ordered in a professional voice with a detective hat on his head.

"Hn"- Itachi ....hnned?

Itachi took on some doctor gloves from his bag and studied the back of Orochimaru's head.

"The creepy gay obviously pedophile victim died by a fracture in the cranial , by putting too much pressure on the brain and expanding the brain capacity. Bleeding to death momentarily through the brain" Itachi explained in a bored tone.

"Wait- ehh what?"- Tobi asked confused while leafing frantically in a dictionary , the rest with looking at him as he was the proven reincarnation of Einstein.

"He died on the second when something hit him in the head" Itachi said frankly.

"Ohhh"-Everyone said in unison.

"It was obviously caused by a hard blow to the head with a sharp or hard object, I will say out from the shape of it a hammer.-Itachi mused.

"What about this one ?"- Tobi suggested holding up a bloody candlestick in one hand.

"Yeah...That could work"- Itachi and the rest sweatdropped.

"Baka what kind of detective are you, holding the murder weapon like that un!"- Deidara scolded, but Tobi just ignored the comment.

"What, really? That sucker died of something so lame? I have "accidentally" stabbed that bastard thousand times and he couldn’t survive a light blow to the head. What a freaking disappointment- Hidan complained.

"You can say that again"- Kisame whistled.

"Zetsu, can you remove that filthy thing away from my carpet, the blood is trenching threw it" Pein commanded, with disgust clear in his voice as well as his eyes.

"Hai Leader-sama, but I'm not eating that thing, who knows where it has been"- Zetsu took a grip around it's arm and dragged Orochimaru's lifeless body out off the living room. One the way out causing Orochimaru’s head to hit right into the wall in the process, making a loud cracking sound with the head rolling onto the floor with it’s serpent tongue sticking out of his mouth. Everyone flinced at the disturbing sound as well as the sight of the head. Zetsu whispered a low sorry, before leaving the room again with Orochimaru’s head in his arms.

"What are you gonna do first Tobi? Konan asked.

"I'm gonna do what every good detective do, looking for clues "Tobi took out a magnifying glass and started to look for clues *insert Scooby Doo music*

"Where are you supposed to get clue from, we were everybody here and the body is gone. " Sasori spoke.


Everybody slapped their foreheads in unison. "What a moron" they muttered under their breath.

"Zombies don’t exist, Tobi" Itachi assured Tobi.

Tobi pocked his head up from his secret hiding place behind the sofa-"They don't?"

"Yeah, if they did Hidan and Kakuzu would have been a living proof of it."(3) Kisame snickered.


"Shut up with your idiotic barking, Hidan. No one's want to hear your constant bitching" Kakuzu glared.

"Go and suck dick, Kakuzu! or rather your mothers!".

"Don’t you dare bringing my mother into this!"

" Well you know what Kakuzu, your mama is so fat that-"

"QUITE!" Pein roared.

"Hai, Leader-sama" Hidan and Kakuzu muttered, like two naughty children getting scolded by their father.

"Tobi, please continue are doing so we can get this mystery over with-I can already feel a head-ach coming" Pein sighted, Konan patted him sympathetic on the shoulder.

" Arigatou Leader-sama, We already know what killed Orochimaru, but the problem is that everyone of YOU where here at the same time" Tobi pointed out.

" No shit Sherlock" Hidan snorted. Tobi just ignored the comment like the good boy he is.

"Therefore I need to investigate the murder weapon! "Tobi reached out for the murder weapon and studied the size of the visible handprint casually," AH HA! Tobi has found a clue!" Everybody stared doubtly at him and waited for the answer, with the suspense growing, and growing... and growing.

"Dammit Tobi just tell us already" Sasori huffed impatiently, he was never a patient man...

" The murder is....."




"Defiantly not Konan-chan!"

Everybody except for Pein, Konan, Itachi and Sasori fell animestyle, cause they are too "cool".

" The handprint is too big to be a female, especially considering Konan’s delicate fingers" Tobi winked at Konan through the visible hole in his mask.

"You mean you waited with the suspense just to tell us you got one less suspect" Kisame asked frustrated.

"This is ridiculous, there's no way Konan could ever kill a man anyway, less a thing like Orochim-- AHHH PAPERCUT!" Hidan screamed in pain as blood started to stream down his arm. Just say Tobi didn't warn him, Konan-chan is scary when she’s angry.

"Do you mind repeating yourself mister Hidan" Konan asked with a dark suffocating aura oozing from her body.

"N-no mam, nothing at all" Hidan whimpered in fear( and mostly agony)

" Then since we have one suspect less on the list, Tobi will have to interrogate everyone here. The first one will be- Deidara-sempai!"

Scene switch, Deidara's interrogation- Plan 1 Good cop

Deidara sat in a dark empty room, suddenly a flashlight hit him right in the eyes.

"My eyes!"

" Hello Sempai, how's it going?"

" What do you think you baka, you just blinded me with your stupid flashlight un!"

"...Do you want something, coffee or cigarettes?"


"Tobi is your best friend sempai. Tobi would never betray our friendship, so you can tell your deepest secret to Tobi, they are safe with him"

"I didn’t kill Orochimaru despite how much it wished it was me, but some lucky bastard got to him before"

"....So the good cop routine didn't work?"

"NOO UN!!!"

Kisame's interrogation Plan 2- bad cop

" You killed Orochimaru didn't you! you son of a muffin!(3)"

" What???"

" You couldn't handle working with that sly creep any longer and decided to kill him!"

" I didn't kill him, my last assassination failed and I haven't tried since"

".... when was that?"

"48 hours ago"

Kakuzu’s interrogation - Plan 3- bribery

"Kakuzu-san, if Tobi will pay you a really good price for a piece of information"

Kakuzu raied a eyebrow, "How much are we talking about?"

Tobi whispered it in his ear. Kakuzu nodded pleased with the price.

"Deal, give it to me and I tell you who the guilty is" Tobi handed him a bunch with money and Kakuzu counted them before putting it away inside his jacket. "It was not me for sure"


" Hey, I didn't say it was useful did I"

Pein's interrogation- plan 4...?

"Tobi, why am I here?"

"Because Leader-sama you might be the murder and Tobi wont go easy on you just because your Tobi's boss"

"Let me out or you will finally experience the reason behind my name"

"Tobi understand!”

Itachi's investigation

" What did you have against Orochimaru?"

" He was a very, very sick man with disgusting intentions"

"What kind of intentions, Itachi-kun?"

" He had taken a slightly unhealthy interest in my younger brother Sasuke much to my concern"

"So that was reason enough to kill him in coldblod?"

" If I could traveled back in time I might said yes, but I admit I haven't been able to kill him. If I did, I would have starved him in a dungeon until his body was to weak to resist. Hammering him into a wall, never stabbing him in his vital organs, torturing him by any possible way for days, week, months even years . Ripping him off, limb by limb and finally burry him alive while he takes his finale breath, enduring the pain I have inflicted on him. Wishing he never crossed the path of Uchiha Itachi. "

Okay this was getting to disturbing for Tobi's liking.

Light's on!, wait lights on?

" Tobi, why are you interrogating them in a empty closet?" Konan asked, standing outside the closet door.

"I have my reasons!" Tobi insisted.

"Have you find out anything so I can already kick you guys out of my house" Pein grumbled tierdly.

" Tobi is sorry Leader-sama but Tobi haven't found any clues yet"

Thunder was heard outside the house and once again the lights dissapeared that night.

" What the hell is the problem with these fucking lights!?" Hidan groaned.

Suddenly a weird noise came outside the living room door, before it was broken up by a hockey- masked man dressed with a white apron drenched with many blood spots wielding a chainsaw." Holy shit!!!" Everybody screamed, yeah even the "cool" gang for your information.

The lights went back on, and the man took off his mask. The hockey masked man was....


" I have gotten rid of the body as you ordered, Leader-sama"

" Well done Zetsu, but what you exactly did you do with it?"

Zetsu opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by the rest of them screaming, "WE DON’T WANNA KNOW!"

"Leader-sama, we also found something inside the mouth of the body", Zetsu brought his hand inside his pocket, and held around something small, he opened it and in the bottom of his palm lay a piece of melted candy. Tobi studied it intense and finally something in his head clicked. Tobi brought up his hands and held his head. Tobi remembered what had happened. "Tobi knows who killed Orochimaru!"

"Stop fooling around, that’s what you have said all night" Kakuzu grunted.

"But it's true! listen!"

Tobi's flashback

Tobi stood by the entrance and welcomed every guest before the meeting, Tobi stared at the sky listening to the thunder above. The meeting is gonna probably be so boring, good Tobi took with some candy he thought happily and took out a piece of candy from his pocket. After Sasori passed by Orochimaru came in sight.

"Hello Tobi, just as charming asss alwaysss" Orochimaru smirked deviously, he grasped the candy paper and took a piece of candy before he gave Tobi a creepy smirk. Tobi was confused by his behavior, but that man was just plain weird. That’s what Itachi-kun had told me. Tobi didn’t think more about the matter and put his hand into the other pocket for a new piece. Nothing, not a single one.

It was the last candy Tobi had left, Tobi turned his head and glared into the back of Orochimaru's head. "THAT guy must DIE" a voice whispered inside Tobi’s head. Tobi couldn’t help but agree, it was time for revenge.

When the lights turned off due to the lightning Tobi took some action and held around the candlestick and hit it violently into Orochimaru's head. Orochimaru's body fell to the floor with blood starting to stream out from his skull. Tobi placed the murder weapon back on top of the fireplace and started to panic like everyone else until the lights returned.

Flashback over

“You mean it was you the whole time!?" Pein greeted his teeth in anger, Tobi could swear he saw damp coming out his ears.

"Tobi didn't know! I swear!” Tobi swayed his hands up in front of him innocently.

" You can't possible forget that you murdered someone for a single piece of candy". Everyone took out a hidden weapon from inside their jackets, with sadistic smiles on their faces along with fiery demonic glint in their eyes.

"W-what are you doing! Tobi is sorry!"

" Sorry isn't enough Tobi, this is your punishment for killing him before us"

“NOOO, KYAAA!!!!” Tobi screamed in horror before everything suddenly turned black.

The last thing Tobi could remember from that night was getting hit really hard in the head after screaming like a girl. The next Tobi knows , Tobi was lying in a white coloured room with a reeeeaallly tight jacket on, the arms is so long can't see them since they are behind his back. This place wasn't so bad though, there were a lot of nice people in here. One my stay here I have also gotten to know a guy here. His name is Madara, he can be really mean but still fun to play with. Well the investigation of Orochimaru's murder might not end as Tobi had planned, but it was the most funniest meeting so far. Wait a minute-

Tobi never got any candy!

So what, was it good or did it suck? I'm not so pleased with the ending but it will do, now atleast. It was a real challange trying to write it from Tobi's point of view, it got really confusing but I couldn't help it.

1- The omake where Tobi comment Deidara's art at the dango shop xD I love that episode, who am I kidding I love eveything with Dei-chan and Tobi-kun^^
2- refrence to Pein considering himself as a new God.
3- "The zombie brother" as Kisame-kun puts them.
4- Every curse word Tobi uses is cencored, Tobi can't cuss he is after all a good boy!

I hope you enjoyed reading it and please review^^Constructive critism is also welcome, even though this is a crack-fic.



No comments: