Language: English
Disclaimer: I do now own Naruto or any of the characters.
Summary: Naruto loses his virginity and all of Konoha feel the need to celebrate. NaruHina, but not really. A One-shot. Crack.
Naruto's Virginity
by Bullwinkle's Lady
-
Naruto slowly regained consciousness that morning, but refused to open his eyes. His ears were ringing, and his head felt as though it was about to explode. What on earth happened last night? Naruto wondered. "And..." he continued out loud. "...why does my butt hurt?" His eyes snapped opened. "Oh no!" he quickly sat up, fearing that his creepy friend Sasuke had finally had his way with him.
He was surprised to meet pure white eyes, that in fact, did not belong to Sasuke...or Neji. (God, everybody wanted him.)
Hinata's face was bright red. She clutched the blanket tightly against her chest. "Um...you...fell down last night...Naruto-kun," she weakly said.
After staring back at Hinata for an entire minute, Naruto uttered, "HOLY SHIT!" throwing each of his limbs violently outward and causing Hinata to be thrown off of the bed.
"...Um...ouch..."
- - -
Her departure was rather awkward. Both stared at the ground as they blushed furiously.
"Well...um...thanks...er...well, bye then," said Naruto, practically pushing Hinata out the door, and quickly slamming it shut behind her. Leaning against the wall, Naruto tried to catch his breath.
There was suddenly another knock at the door, and blinking, Naruto opened it again. Sasuke.
"Naruto," Sasuke said as he entered the apartment, surveying Naruto who was still in his boxers -cough-hungrily-cough-. "I just passed Hinata on the stairs," he mentioned.
"Uh, yeah, we uh..." Naruto said, his blush intensifying.
Sasuke stared at Naruto, realization slowly dawning in his wide onyx eyes. "Ew!" he shrieked, rather loudly, then paused. "I mean...cool!" he said.
Naruto stared.
"Because..." Sasuke continued, rather unconvincingly. "Sex...with women...is great," his left eye twitched.
Naruto continued to stare.
"Yeah, well...I was just passing by because, Kakashi, er, told me to tell you...hi," and with that, Sasuke shuffled back out of the apartment.
Naruto slowly closed the door behind his teammate, silently shaking his head. What a strange day this was turning out to be.
- - -
That afternoon Naruto received an odd phone call.
"Hey Naruto," it was Shino's voice. "I heard you lost your virginity."
Naruto turned red. "WHAT THE FUCK!" he said. "HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT?"
"Er..." said Shino. "I just heard...I mean...I wasn't...watching...or anything," the other ninja said awkwardly.
"WHA-?"
"Well, anywayz, I'll see you tonight at the party. Buh-bye." -click-
"What party?" Naruto continued to yell into the phone. "What the hell? Shino! Shinooo!"
- - -
And then evening came, and at exactly nine o clock PM, Naruto's doorbell rang.
Yawning, and tightly clutching his purple teddy bear, Naruto trudged out of bed, wondering who it could possibly be at such a late hour. As it turned out, it was Sasuke with dip...and Sakura who brought a boom box...and Lee who brought a chimp...and Ino who brought beer...and Neji who brought pie...and Kakashi who was completely naked...
"What on earth is going here? And why is that chimp completely naked!" said Naruto, horrified.
"Dude, you lost your VIRGINITY!" howled Kiba, who was setting up his limbo pole in the livingroom.
"But...but..." said Naruto in shock as Sakura turned up the music, and a "party" unraveled before his eyes.
Being that people were hopping on his bed, Naruto decided to retreat into the kitchen-
"OH, GOD, WOMAN, THIS, OOHHHH, IS, AHHHHH, SOOOO, TROUBLESOOOOOOOOOOMEEE!"
-only to find Shikamaru and Temari having sex on his kitchen floor.
"Oh my God!" screamed Naruto, quickly backing out of the kitchen. "My virgin eyes!"
"Stop being such a PUSSY," someone said, smacking him in the back of the head.
Naruto looked down...way down...it was Konohamaru!
Being that he was by now completely and utterly terrified, Naruto huddled into a corner and closed his eyes as he uttered, "A happy place...a happy place..."
A few minutes passed.
"Yo," someone said.
Naruto slowly looked up - and then quickly looked back down!
"You should be partying dude," Kakashi uttered, his assets loosely swinging with the wind. "You just lost your-"
"VIRGINITY!" everyone in the room screamed in unison.
"Er...ok...um...thanks...you can go now..." said Naruto, still covering his eyes. I am completely traumatized.
Shrugging, Kakashi walked away.
Deciding to get up before he was attacked by another masked naked man, Naruto wandered toward the limbo. This looked like safe territory. It seemed that the final competitors were Lee, Kankuro, and that old guy who ran the ramen stand.
"Dammit," said Kankuro as he fell on his ass and lost.
Lee, being the freakish creature that he was, was able to bend his bones, and stretch his rubbery flesh cleanly under the limbo.
"Gai-sensei, I did it!" Lee exclaimed, once it was declared that he was the limbo champion...and probably always would be.
"LEEEEE!" said Gai, taking Lee into a tight hug.
"GAI-SENSEEEEI!" said Lee, hugging Gai back as though his life depended on it.
"Oh...Leeeeee," said Gai.
"Gai-sensei..." said Lee.
Naruto released yet another high-pitched scream. "I'm blind, I'm blind!" Naruto shrieked, stumbling out of the living room and into the bathroom...where a few drunk girls had decided to start skinny-dipping in his bath tub.
Naruto opened his eyes as he stared. And he continued to stare...and stare...and stare...
"Hey."
Naruto snapped out of his daze to see Sasuke who was twitching for some reason.
"I brought you a drink," said Sasuke, handing a plastic cup to Naruto.
"Oh, thanks Sasuke," said Naruto, taking a few gulps of the substance. As he drank, he looked oddly at Sasuke, who had begun to release a high pitched cackle.
What an odd fella, Naruto thought as he sighed. Che, he's probably drunk.
"Yes," Sasuke was saying. "Drink it. Drink it all! Muahahahahah..."
"...Yeah," said Naruto. "I think I will."
As Naruto sipped, he too chuckled a little, y'know, to make Sasuke's laugh seem a little less awkward. It was strange but...everything seemed to be suddenly spinning.
"Hey, Naruto!" said a voice.
Naruto looked up. It was Asuma.
"You just lost your virginity man," Asuma was saying. "What's next?"
After blankly staring at the man for a moment, a stupid smile crossed Naruto's face. "I'm gonna rule the world!" he shouted.
"YEAH!" everyone seemed to shout in agreement.
Naruto continued to dumbly smile as he gazed down into his cup. What a great drink. "Lee!" Naruto suddenly shouted. "I challenge you to limbo contest!"
And so, the party went on. Naruto had proceeded to dance with Tsunade, to drink with Inari, and to streak with Kakashi. He even gave Gaara a lap dance, and Sasuke a little kiss.
Sasuke released a sigh as he fainted. Luckily, Sakura caught him...and dragged him away...somewhere else.
Everyone looked up at the sound of a...soft...awkward...knock on the door. Naruto answered it.
"HINATA!" he shouted loudly in the poor girl's face.
"Um...Naruto-kun," said Hinata, her face bright pink. "Wh-what's going on here?"
"Dude," said Naruto. "I lost my VIRGINITY!"
At this, everyone gave Hinata a round of applause.
The pink shade of Hinata's face deepened to colors unknown to mankind.
"Um...Naruto-kun...about that - I have to tell you something," she mumbled.
"What is it Hinata?" said Naruto. "...should we take this into the kitchen?" he said, grinning. This statement was accompanied by many wolf whistles.
Hinata was completely confused. "Naruto-kun, my father saw me while using the byakugan...and he saw...another chakra."
"Nani?" said Naruto, not understanding.
"Naruto-kun I'm...pregnant."
Naruto, his face blue, stared into his mysterious drink. The entire room had gone silent, and all attention was focused on him. After three extremely long minutes of blankly staring into his drink, he took another swing of it, and said. "Guys...I'm...getting...MARRIED!"
As a few people cheered and the party commenced, others simply shook their heads but, like the twitching Naruto, simply sipped their drinks and went along with it.
-
No comments:
Post a Comment