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Monday, May 5, 2008

Kakashi's Wedding

Disclaimer: I do now own Naruto or any of the characters.

Kakashi's Wedding

Author: Bullwinkle's Lady

Summary: Kakashi is getting married, and feels the need to torture the rookie nine in the process. One-shot. Crack fic. SasuSaku, NaruHina...sorta.

Authors Note: Ok, this is rated R ( meaning, all you fucking 11-year-olds, go the fuck away, you fucking rodents! And if you're over fifty...I don't want you reading this either! I HATE OLD PEOPLE! GRRRRR, I HATE THEM SO MUCH!

(jking, jking. well, about the old people thing, not the 11-year-old thing. Er...please-don't-hurt-me.)

Ahem, onward to the story. Enjoy.


...The Invite...

Upon receiving the invitation-

"What?" muttered Sasuke.

"I'm...confused," mentioned Sakura.

"Der," said Naruto.

"I want you to be my..."

"Best man," muttered Kakashi.

"Maid of honor," stated Anko.

"Flower...boy," Kakashi insisted.

"When did this happen?" said Sasuke, baffled.

"I'm...still confused," mentioned Sakura.

"Der..." said Naruto.




- - -

Sasuke stared blankly as Kakashi explained.

"Because if I'm standing next to you, I'll look super-cool!" the jounin said excitedly, somehow missing the fact that it was his wedding.

Sasuke found that he couldn't argue with this logic. "Hn, sure," he said.

- - -

"Because your pink hair is way too awesome!" said Anko, nodding furiously.

Sakura found herself unable to argue with this logic. "Of course I'll be your maid of honor!" she said happily.

- - -

"'re really short...and look sorta like a girl," Kakashi explained.

"Er..." said Naruto.

...The Fitting...

Sakura, as well as Ino, Tenten, and Temari who were being fitted as brides maids, were slightly surprised to find that their dresses were all short, black, tight, and...leathery.

"Um..." Sakura said, looking down at herself after having put her dress on. It revealed quite a bit of cleavage.

"They look great!" said Anko, just as Ino walked out of a dressing room.

The blonde glanced at Sakura. "You look like a hooker," she mentioned to the other girl.

A moment passed.

"Thanks!" said Sakura excitedly. "Like, so do you!"

"Like, really?" said Ino, bouncing up and down.

Naruto was also there, being fitted into a beautiful pink gown.

"It looks good," Anko insisted, turning to Naruto who had just exited his own dressing room.

Naruto blushed. "Really? Do ya think?" he said, as he did a little twirl.

- - -

Sasuke, as well as Neji, Kankuro, Shino, Shikamaru, Lee, Gaara, Kiba, and Choji who were being fitted as, er, grooms maids, were slightly surprised to find that their tuxedos were all rather...purple. And bright. And sparkly.

"They glow in the dark!" Kakashi was excitedly mentioning. "And they come with these great wallet-carriers!" he said, holding up a sparkly purple purse.

Saskue twitched. "There is no way-"

He was left ignored as Kakashi turned his attention to Hinata, who was being fitted as the ring bearer.

"You look great!" he said to the Hyuuga, who had just exited a dressing room in a black tuxedo.

"Yeah, I know," responded Hinata, as she scratched her ass.

...The Ceremony...

The men clutched tightly to what was left of their dignity as babies cried and children screamed at their sparkly purpleness.

"But ya have to admit, these wallet-carriers are pretty handy," said Lee, opening his "wallet-carrier" to reveal to the others his wallet, his cell phone, his medication, and, who knows, maybe he had a few tampons in there as well.

Neji slapped him upside his head.

"Ouchies!" said Lee.

"Shhhh, the ceremony's starting," whispered Choji, his own "wallet-carrier" full of potato chips.

Meanwhile, Naruto and Hinata were slowly walking up the aisle together, Naruto tossing pink flowers here and there.

"Hinata..." Naruto whispered. "You look...very handsome," he said shyly.

Hinata weakly smiled. "And you look...very pretty," she mentioned to Naruto.

Naruto blushed girlishly, before releasing a girlish giggle, hiding his face behind a girlish fan, all while wearing his girly pink dress.

The girls watched, giggling, their extremely tight dresses squeaking every once in a while with their movement.

"They're so cute," whispered Sakura.

"I know," said Ino.

"I love this dress!" said Temari. (A/N: Of course you do.)

Tenten, who wasn't as dedicated to anorexia as the others, was meanwhile breathing heavily as though she was suffocating.

After staring at her for a moment, Ino mouthed the words, "Fatty," and Sakura, Temari, and Ino burst into a fit of giggles at Tenten's expense.

Kakashi and Anko had finally reached the alter, Kakashi in a conservative black tuxedo, and Anko in a traditional white wedding gown that trailed across the floor.

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" the priest asked Anko.

"Hell yeah!" said Anko, in her excitement, grabbing the priest's face and shoving it into her breasts.

When the priest was finally released, flustered and twitching, he shakily said. "And d-do y-you?"

Before Kakashi had the chance to hump the poor man in his own excitement, Anko answered for him, "He sure as hell does!"

"Er..." said the priest, "Then you may kiss...the groom," he said awkwardly.

And with that, Kakashi and Anko frenched, began to undress each other, but before they could get any further, were violently pelted with rice by fellow jounin and ANBU, in hopes to aware them of their surroundings.

Looking up, the couple blushed cutely, before heading out.

...The Reception...

Sasuke had skipped cake to get out of his horrible suit. Oddly, he had found a hooker in the closet.

"Sakura, is that you," he said, removing his trusty flashlight from his pants and turning it on.

"N-no," said Sakura, covering her eyes against the light. "I'm just...some random hooker."

"Oh," said Saskue, relieved. She smirked a little. "So..." he said. "We're both this closet," he mentioned, 'subtly'. "And...I happen to have this spare fifty bucks in my pocket..."

Sakura's eyes widened. Fifty dollars? And Sasuke-kun? Fifty dollars and Sasuke-kun! This was the best day of her life! "Come to moma," she said huskily, grabbing the Uchiha's ass.

The flashlight went out.

" glow in the dark?"

- - -

Naruto and Hinata had meanwhile found a table to make out underneath, and were steadily undressing each other.

"Please be gentle," whispered Naruto.


After their one night stand, Hinata, satisfied, had decided to never ever call Naruto back...ever.

The End

Thanks for reading, please...uh...whatever. I'm sure that I'm gonna to end up hysterically crying (FOR DAYS AND DAYS!) no matter what happens (I swear, I'LL CRY FOR DAYS AND DAYS!)

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