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Sunday, May 4, 2008

1 Crush

1 Crush
Author: LiraWM

Here I am again, watching you from the corner of my eye for the third time in the day. I have no idea if I lost my mind or it’s already been gone for a long time since I know you, but does it matter? I can’t even think straight right now and even if I try to get my mind back I know you won’t allow me to. You’re delighted seeing me suffer right? You enjoy this evil twists you do to my poor empty stomach every time you come closer to me. You do realize what effect you have on my don’t you? You are sick and I hate you for that! I can’t believe you’re doing this to me?! I didn’t do a thing to you and still you’re doing this “casual” thing on me, saying hi to me every time we meet and then without any notice you leave my side, leaving me with a bunch of emotions I can barely name them and feeling alone and emptier than before.

I would die for you, I would die for you

I tried everything to get rid of this “thing” stuck deep on my chest but its so god damn difficult! Everyday I wake up I made up my mind of ignoring you completely and get back to my five senses and work peacefully like I used to, but noooo you have to come to the picture and say those god damn kind words to me. I have no idea how you find me or what’s the purpose on that but just stop it! Ok? I’m sick of this game, if that was it’s called. Are you chasing me? Do you radar on me so you can spot me wherever I am and then come to me and spoil the five minutes of peace, that I barely have, of not thinking of you! You’re a jerk! You realize that I’m not thinking of you, you sense it and… bang! You come to the picture again, say something stupid and tada! I start thinking about you again and again for the rest of the day.

I've been dying just to feel you by my side

And having friends that notices my odd behavior around you doesn’t help at all. Do you have any idea how hard is, first of, behave like my normal self and failing miserably and then explain to the few friends I have that I’m ok and no, I certainly I’m not affected by you in any aspect. That I don’t think about you 24 hours a day, 168 hours a week, 720 hours in a month, 10,950 hours of the year. Great now I’m doing math… what’s the next step? Start baking you cookies like those teens girls that buzz around you with silly questions and bright eyes? Asking you for a date that you kindly decline, why are you kind to them? Just blow them and keep walking, away from me if you please, But no! Mister ego has to come close to me and ask me something lame again and me, I give a lamer response and fucking great! I’m stuck in base 1 again.

To know that you're mine

Now this is insane, why do I stare at the phone like a mother whose child has just been kidnapped, hoping that the thing rings and it’s you… why? Is not that you have my phone number but I’m still hanging in that slight possibility that you may have it and decided to call me. By why would you call for? Ask me about the weather again? Ask me about the chuunins exam? Ask me how am I? Ask me if I’m not thinking about you? Well guess what buddy I’m not thinking about you! Is not that I do that on purpose, you’re the one that digs into my mind without my permission, screw everything and leave with a goofy smile printed on your lips. Oh what? You think I don’t notice what’s going on behind that mask? You’ll be surprised how good I am in observing people, and you my friend are no exception.

I will cry for you, I will cry for you

Ok now I’m officially fucked up, thinking about you is one thing, waiting for your call is another, but calling you? What the fuck is wrong with me?! I have no idea where I got your phone number, oh yeah it was you… you fucked up psycho. You gave me your number back then when Orochimaru attacked the city and I was in bed due to the pain of the cursed mark. You told me that if I needed anything I could call you, but now that I think about it why am I calling for? Is not that my mark hurts, well what was the reason I pressed the speed dial and decided to break the promise I made myself of not paying you much of attention I did this morning? You see! You have me all screwed up, I have your number in position number 1 on the speed dial, not even the hospital has that position and it must have it. First thing after this call I’m going to erase your number forever.

I will wash away your pain with all my tears

I never felt this pain before, not in my whole life as a shinobi, and believe me it’s quite a long time. I’ve been in torturing training, official missions where they do all this wicked things to me to get the information, still I never felt this sensation before. I was scared for the first time in long years, every single second I had the phone in my ear and hear the painful sound of you not answering your god damn phone it’s devastating. And I’m unsure if I want you to pick of the phone or not, because once you do it the agony will end but now the new pain will come. The pain of not knowing what to say once you speak softly to my ear, the grief of screwing up with something I might say and you’ll hang up the phone, leaving me hurt, empty and above all, alone.

And drown your fear

My hand is trembling, my throat is dry and I can feel the urge to puke in this precise moment, still I’m stuck with the phone in my right hand, trying to remember how to breathe. The burden is too much so I decided to sit on the couch and wait for your answer. I feel like I’ve been stuck with this call for years, but time can play nasty tricks to your mind and what it seemed like five seconds turns to 5 centuries which I’m feeling right now. I’m trying to remember what is the reason for my call, part of me shouts that it’s because I want to hear your voice again but right now what I feel is the urge to tell you that I want this game to be over, I want you out of my head and of my life forever. I don’t want you to come closer to me again, because I’m tired of this… and at the same time I don’t know what I’ll do without it.

I will pray for you, I will pray for you

This is good, not picking up the phone means he doesn’t care of me which means he’s not doing this on purpose which means he’s ok without me and I’m just doing all this issue from the nothing therefore I’m free again. But what I don’t feel relieved? Why I feel a deep sting on my chest, blocking my lungs from fresh air and my hands sweat. My eyes are getting crystallized and I hear my heart going slow… aching my chest every time it moves. I feel something warm crossing my cheek, a tear? Oh great could this day get any worse? I reached your answering machine, I heard your silly message recorded that gives me the chills and at the same time the urge to kill you for not being there and answering your phone. I want to rip your intestines off you with a rusty kunai until you die of bleeding, see your face in pain. However instead of saying all this to you, a slight, almost unnoticeable sob escapes my lips.

I will sell my soul for something pure and true

I’ve done many mistakes in the past and I’m not proud of them at all. Some of them are small and unnoticeable, but today I did the biggest mistake of all. What was crossing my mind the moment I picked up the phone and dialed up his number? And not satisfied with it I wait until his message stops and leave nothing but a sob in his answering machine. What kind of message is that? Now I’m officially a stalker, what would he think of me now? That I’m needy? That I have issues? Perhaps all these and more…. What a foolish girl I am. Crawling to my coach I close my eyes and conclude what started moments ago. I started to weep like I never did before, furious tears come down from my cheek. I’m pissed with him because he’s the one who started all this mess, angry of how easily he plays my strings and dump me into the nothing, but above all angry with myself for being stupid and letting myself go.

Someone like you

I’m not sure how long I’ve been here in this couch, the tears are long gone and dry. The sunset is almost over, I can tell by the reddish light on my roof. I’m hungry but I have no energy left to crawl to the kitchen and eat something… well if there’s something to eat there to begin with. You see not only I stopped eating normally, I forgot to do my groceries like I used to, because the fuck head does his shopping in the same market I go. What a brave woman I am right? Avoiding the issue... is there an issue to begin with? Maybe I’m exaggerating things, maybe I’m the culprit of all this mess. To let him affect me like he does, changing my world upside down and back again whenever he talks to me, whenever he bumps into me, whenever he looks at me… why? What I’ve done to deserve this kind of pain!? Just get out of my mind!

See your face every place that I walk in

Lucky me I found half of a chocolate bar underneath the couch, I’m not sure if it is healthy to eat it or nor do I care. Happily I eat it with gluttony and even though it tastes a little stale, it’s still chocolate, my only true friend in the whole world. You never deceived me before, you don’t change things because you feel the pleasure in doing it. You’re happy the way you are, giving everyone something good to chew. You don’t have any issues like what he’ll think of me after that stupid message or why does he affect me so bad. You’re just chocolate, something good for the people, something that enlightens heavy burdens and makes all to keep on looking for something better. That’s it! I won’t let that loser get into my nerves, I’m going to straight up my life, he’s not going to take me anymore, no sir I swear over this chocolate wrapper that… yuck don’t feel that well anymore.

Hear your voice every time I am talking

Why… why everything that I dear in this world betrays me? I cleaned up my face after that encounter with the toilet, brush my teeth and look at myself in the mirror. I look literally like shit. My hair is messed, more than its usual style and the mascara I wore today is framing my cheeks. Yeah… I started to use the little make up the Yuuhi gave me two birthdays ago. I don’t know why I started to use it and even if I knew, which I don’t, I don’t need to tell myself the reasons of everything in my behavior. Is just something that happened that’s all, besides Kotetsu and Izumo seems to like it, even Kurenai was surprised the first day I used it, without poking my eye out. Everyone noticed, everyone said something nice to me, everyone except him! Why he didn’t say anything? Why he didn’t compliment me like everyone. I think he’s gay… yeah that must be the reason… weird sound, oh not again…

You will believe in me and I will never be ignored

Note to self, not eating again something underneath the couch ever. I walk to the nearest window and watch whatever the view offers me. It’s already dark outside, the people are wondering and chatting happily on the streets. As for me well I’m here, stuck in my apartment, watching them from the darkness and deeply envy them. I wish Kurenai was here, so both of us could hang around and get drunk really bad. I could use some sake right now or some dangos, or anything that isn’t rotten in my stomach. Stupid chocolate bar… I want to go outside but at the same time I don’t… being alone in the streets is more pathetic than staying at home. Well that decided all, I’m going to stay in the couch for the rest of my days, see how the world spins around me and don’t give a shit about it. Yeap, good plan for a Friday evening.

I will burn for you, feel pain for you

Life can get any better than this, I’m in my comfortable couch with my favorite blanket and with a cup of warm instant chocolate with marshmallows in my hand, courtesy of Izumo. Since he, Genma and Kurenai left three days ago to an important mission, they decided to give me their presents before they left. Although they were kind to give their presents before leaving town and assuring me that they’ll be back by Saturday afternoon to celebrate my birthday, I still feel they won’t make it on time and it would be the first time I spent my birthday on my own in a long time. But well at least they gave me something, unlike someone I know that never gave me a thing in all the birthdays I celebrated here in Konoha. Anyway screw him, I’ll just relax myself and enjoy this cup of chocolate… Note to self gave a great kiss to Izumo when he comes back, this stuff is good.

I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart

I don’t remember in what part of the night I fell asleep, also I don’t recall putting the cup of chocolate on the table. It’s still dark outside, I left a soft yawn escape my lips and force my sight to see the tiny clock on the wall what time it is, almost midnight. I rub my eyes with both hands and stand up, stretching myself a little I walk to the window. My back aches a little, must be the uncomfortable position I fell asleep. Stretching both arms I close the curtain of the living room and made my way back to my room when I felt something moving on the corner. Without hesitation I take a pair of kunai I hanged on the wall and throw them to that direction, whatever was on there avoided them with a graceful jump, landing in front of me. I didn’t need any light to know what was in front of me, it haunted my dreams and my daily thoughts and now it was my time to stop this nonsense.

And tear it apart

-What are you doing here?.-I tried to sound as bitter as my core permitted. He just stood there, looking directly at me with his lazy grey eye, searching for something I couldn’t tell from where I was. His glance giving me some chills in the back of my neck, making my knees weak and my heartbeat speed faster. I took an deep breath and walked pass him, ignoring him and avoiding his eye. Looking for the switch of the lamp on the corner that I hoped I didn’t destroy it. Fortunately was intact and I turned it on. He was with both hands in his pockets looking at me like nothing happened. The same lazy back aptitude that drove me crazy and made me feel the urge to punch him in the face and erase that stupid goofy smile he always gave to people. I glared him and crossed both arms over my chest.-I said… what are you doing here?

I will lie for you, beg and steal for you

He didn’t move at all, he just stood there looking at me directly. Trying to rip of my skin with his piercing gaze and expose my most intimate self to the light. Was he mocking me again? Was he trying to be funny? I felt ashamed, dirty, unclean but above all angry. Angry for letting him do this to me, angry for exposing me to the public every time we crossed our paths. My hands turned into fists, shaking in fury I throw him daggers from my eyes, those who he gallantly ignored them. I can’t stand this anymore, I need him to leave now.-Are you deaf or what? I asked-

-I heard you perfectly both times Anko.

-So why are you here?

This time however he didn’t look at me directly, instead he looked around and sat on my couch like nothing happened. What wrong with this man? He took his beloved book from his pocket and started to read, like this was his place. What was going on? I tried to speak when he looked at me with a penetrating gaze that made me shut up, I swallowed hard and avoided his gaze and closed my eyes.

I will crawl on hands and knees until you see

-Why you called?

My eyes opened so abruptly that I thought they will pop out of my skull. What was he talking about? I mean I didn’t call him, I just left a tiny microscopic message in his answering machine, besides is not like he has my number or something like that, does he? I tried to remember how to breathe and think at the same time. Even though I was looking at him directly, his piercing eye was still looking directly at me. Peeling my skin of my body and trying to expose me again like he does every time he lay his eye on me. I swallowed again and taking a deep breath I finally confront him.

-No reason in particular.

You're just like me

I was expecting something like he raising his right brow in disbelief or perhaps angry but I never thought that disappointment was one of the reactions I would expected from the copy ninja of Konoha. It’s not that it was obvious but I could swear over my love of dango that a little cloud crossed his visible eye for a fraction of second. He sighed and stood up, fixing his clothes he put both hands in his pockets and glance me.

-Are you sure?

My mind started screaming things like, no I called you because I needed to hear your voice, I needed you to say something stupid to me like you usually do, I needed you to pay me a little of attention, I needed you period.


Violate all the love that I'm missing

How can the lips and the brain be so disconnected? I tried to shut up my mouth but that word already escaped my lips. He looked hurt, I hope I’m not imagining things due to the hunger. He gave a quick sigh and started to walk to the door. I felt a part of me leaving myself every step he gave. I tried to run after him and stop him, making him stay with me and tell him that I’m sorry. But why today from all days my body decided to not cooperate with me?! He gave me a last glance before opening the door, I could read in his eye that he was asking me the same question again. I avoided his gaze, fearing that my eye gave away something I wasn’t feeling. He opened the door and tried to make eye contact, this time he succeeded.

Throw away all the pain that I'm living

I have no idea how it happened or why his stare pierced me so hard that broke all layers of glass that I put around me from all this years. I smiled weakly to him before landing on my knees and started to cry softly as I embrace myself. I didn’t hear him close the door nor how fast he moved towards me, the only thing I was sure is that he was on my back, trying to pull me into a hug. But my body rejected him, I was trying to cuddle on the floor but he didn’t allow me. Ignoring my protests he placed me on his lap. I have no idea how he changed position that quick nor did I care. The only thing I remember was he whispering something to my ear, I couldn’t tell what he was saying, the only thing that matter was his warm breath over my exposed neck.

You will believe in me

I felt him placing his lips covered with the mask over my neck, caressing it softly and sending shivers through all my spine with his warm breath over my neck. The tears stopped, I swallowed slowly as he just stood there, smelling my scent and apparently enjoying it. I tried to look at him but he had his eye closed, clearly focused in his duty. I bit my bottom lip softly when he bit me on the neck, still with the mask on, exactly to the same spot the cursed mark was. I felt pain, but a delicious pain that I found really exotic and I wished his teeth were uncovered and were his fangs sucking blood from it. I heard him moan softly against my skin and as hearing my plea he removed his mask and bit me softly over the skin, increasing the pain and pleasure at the same time.

And I can never be ignored

I always wondered how a male would felt like over my body, but since I’m kind of a tomboy I didn’t pay much attention to that matter. Not many guys were interested in me or that was what I thought until I felt him kissing my neck, sucking from time to time and groaning in the process. Stealing soft moans from my lips as he licked every centimeter of flesh that my fishnets didn’t cover. I whispered his name as a response he kissed me deeply on my chest. I was enjoying all this, even though it was insane I wanted him to take everything I had and do whatever he pleased with it. I opened my eyes and for the first time since I know him I saw his real face, I couldn’t help but blush even more. He noticed this and looked pleased, smiling devilish he cocked his right eyebrow.

I would die for you, I would kill for you

-Like what you see?

-I could say the exact same thing to you

As a response he kissed me savagely on the lips. My first kiss was when I was fifteen, I was bored so was Genma. The second kiss was while I was drinking with Kotetsu in a mission, after that I just kissed another guy from a different land. But none of them showed me this hunger for flesh like this man showed me, each time he pumped his tongue inside of my mouth and raped everything that encountered. For the first time I understood what Kurenai said, some kisses left you speechless and eager for sometime more.

I will steal for you, I'd do time for you

I stopped the kiss, even though my body told me not to. He looked at me curious and concerned, I comfort him with a soft smile. I felt the urge to tell him everything, since the moment I started to feel goose bumps every time he came closer, from the occasions when I truly treasured his comforting casual words, the little note he gave me with his phone number that I kept in my drawer, the stick of dango he invited me the other day. Everything that happened between us even though they were little and insignificant, I felt that I needed to tell him everything that crossed my head ever time I was around him. I was about to open my mouth to say all this when he chuckled. I frowned and tried to figurate out what was so funny, but instead of explaining he just embrace me and placed me once again on his lap, resting his chin on my right shoulder.

I would wait for you, I'd make room for you

-I know what were you planning to say..

I cocked an eyebrow and looked concerned, even though he wasn’t looking at me directly.


He nodded softly while kissing softly my neck, I moaned a bit but waited patiently for him to explain. But he didn’t so as much I hated I stopped his delightful kisses with my right hand.

-And what is that, all mighty genius of Konoha?

I'd sail ships for you, To be close to you

To my surprise he chucked again and turned my face softly to him with his right hand. I blushed again from the sight of him without his mask on, looking at me like I was his favorite meal and with a cocky smile printed on his lips. I smiled and frowned a bit, he smiled wider and kiss me softly on the lips. I tried to ignored the kiss, I really wanted to know what he was thinking but he made it so hard to stay focused. Assaulting my mouth with savage strikes and biting my lips as he commanded me to open more my lips to his unsatisfied tongue. I surrendered to his pleas and gave everything I had in my power to satisfy him. And when I thought life could get better he took a detour to my right earlobe and started to lick it, I moaned harder until his licks started to talk to me. I blink in confusion and separate from him with a raised brow.

To be a part of you, 'Cause I believe in you

-What did you say?

He smiled wider and approached my right ear again, this time however he didn’t a thing except breathe and whisper me something so delicious that it’s still graved on my mind. Every time I woke up on his arms I still have some goose bumps from what he said that night and I can’t believe it, all those questions of why me or what the hell did I do wrong to deserve this kind of punishment, why he teased me so badly while I was trying to avoid him. Everything came with a simple stupid answer…

I believe in you, I would die for you.

He did it on purpose.


A/N: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME! Sorry is just that I was trying to focus on Gelato and this came up instead of chapter 23 T.T what the heck is wrong with me?! Anyway I hope you liked it, is just that I noticed I didn’t give anything to Anko for b-day present and here it is hehehe Kakashi’s present to our dear beloved Anko hope you enjoy this one shot, I really like this song and I hope you know it if not well… mmm go to youtube and watch it :P Well take care and this fics is for my closest friend in the world! I love you guys.

Special thanks to Jo that always has the pleasure to read my material first hand, also Ciera how encouraged me to continue this, Sean that it’s always there to give me his support, Ronnie the one who started all this Anko/Kakashi stuff in my head and how can I forget my beloved best friend Lilo-chan o

See ya later


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